BK101
Knowledge Base
Love
Love
is when you really like someone a lot and you really
care about them a lot, and the person is always on your mind and you're always thinking about them in a
nice way. When you say that you love someone, it's an
expression of
your
appreciation for them and a
confirmation of
your feelings. You're letting the person know that you
recognize their good qualities and you want them to be aware that you
honestly see them
in a good way.
But love is not always accurate. We
sometimes confuse infatuation with actual love. How can you love someone you just
met? How can you love someone when you know very little about them on a
personal
level? When a person gets to know someone better, they sometimes realize
that they don't really
love the person as much as they first thought. Sometimes you just love
your personal interpretation of
someone, or just love your personal
perception of someone, or you just love your
opinion of
someone, but you don't love the actual person because
you know very little
about them. The same thing with
hate. You mostly hate your
interpretation of someone or just hate your opinion of someone, but you
don't hate the actual person because you don't know enough about that
person. So most people are mostly just
falling in love with a
dream.
A dream that has been passed down for centuries in the way of
love stories, love songs and movies, like
Cinderella,
Sleeping Beauty and the thousands
of other
love stories in history and in literature. Love
can a beautiful
dream, but
love is clearly not
reality or even
logical when we don't take the necessary time that is need to
know someone. It takes time to know someone,
and it even takes more time
to know yourself
or to
love yourself.
Though love is not always
clearly visible or fully understood, one thing is for sure, we know that
having love is always a lot better than not having love.
Love can hurt sometimes, especially when we
lose the love of someone
dear to us. And remember that love also has chemistry. Try not to let
the feel good high from
hormones cloud your
judgment. It's a good idea to understand the effects that hormones have on
the mind and
the heart. Learn about
oxytocin,
endorphins and
dopamine. Words that describe Love
Love is a type of intuition that has a hypnotic attractive force. It's a spiritual manifestation of desire, admiration and empathy. It's a inherent subliminal emotional connection. It's a fairytale dream that comes true, inspiring immortality, passion and virtue, and ascending our soul high above the clouds. Love can create harmonious rhythms that tantalizes our senses, enchanting the heart and awakening our imagination. Sometimes love could just be a platonic intellectual collaboration between two like minded people, creating unity and a feeling of wholeness. Yes, love is many things. Love is part sharing, part caring, part listening, part discovery, part learning, part bonding, part belonging, part validation, part harmony, part equality, part balance, part respect and part human nature. And these are just some of the many wonderful qualities that love can give us. Love is truly one of the greatest and most amazing experiences that humans can have. Love is a feeling of happiness, but on a much higher level. This is one of the reasons why losing love hurts so much and why rejection hurts so much. The highs and lows of love can be an emotional joy ride that will test your resilience, so try to learn as much as you can before you take the ride of your life.
Love is so much more than words can describe. It's like all your emotions come together in agreement and say, "this is really good!" I'm not sure why, but I really like this person. It's like a lighting bolt, bam, you're in love. I like what I see, but I like more how that person makes me feel. Love is like a vibration on some other level. How should I interpret this signal? Should I act, or just recognize them, or just be aware them?
Rubin's Love and Liking Scale (PDF)
Love Language refers to the way that a person prefers to express love to—and receive it from—a partner. Such ways may include activities, appreciation, emotional, financial, intellectual, physical, and practical. May also include an act of service, physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time and receiving gifts.
Attachment Theory - Oxytocin - Empathy - Fake People - Worship
Agape is a greco-christian term referring to love, "the highest form of love, charity" and "the love of God for man and of man for God". The word is not to be confused with philia, brotherly love, as it embraces a universal, unconditional love that transcends and persists regardless of circumstance. The noun form first occurs in the Septuagint, but the verb form goes as far back as Homer, translated literally as affection, as in "greet with affection" and "show affection for the dead". Other ancient authors have used forms of the word to denote love of a spouse or family, or affection for a particular activity, in contrast to eros (an affection of a sexual nature).
Devotion is the commitment to some purpose.
Like is to find something or someone enjoyable or agreeable. Be fond of. A feeling of pleasure and enjoyment.
Philia is a positive feeling of liking.
Brotherly Love is an extension of the natural affection associated with near kin, toward the greater community of fellow believers, that goes beyond the mere duty. To "love thy neighbor as thyself", and shows itself as "unfeigned love" from a "pure heart", that extends an unconditional hand of friendship that loves when not loved back, that gives without getting, and that ever looks for what is best in others.
Platonic Love - Friendships - Abstinence
Adore is to love someone very much.
Amore is the Italian word for love.
Amour is a very serious love affair, usually a secret or discrete.
Adoration is respect, reverence, strong admiration or devotion in a certain person, place, or thing.
Affection is a tender and warm feeling toward someone; extreme fondness. Affection is a feeling or type of love, amounting to more than goodwill or friendship.
Admire is a feeling of delighted approval and liking. A favorable judgment. Good admiration.
Cherish is to have great affection and caring for someone.
Passion is a strong feeling or emotion. Something that is desired intensely. An irrational but irresistible motive for a belief or action. Any object of warm affection or devotion. Passion is a very strong feeling about a person or thing. Passion is an intense emotion, a compelling enthusiasm or desire for something.
Longing is a prolonged unfulfilled desire or need, like a void in your Heart.
Affinity is a natural attraction or feeling of kinship. Inherent resemblance between persons or things. A close connection marked by community of interests or similarity in nature or character. The force attracting atoms to each other and binding them together in a molecule. Affinity in biology is the state of relationship between organisms or groups of organisms. Affinity in anthropology is a kinship by marriage or adoption, and not a blood relationship. Affinity in immunology is the attraction between an antigen and an antibody.
Attract is to direct toward itself or oneself by means of some psychological power or physical attributes. Exert a force on a body causing it to approach or prevent it from moving away. Attraction is the force by which one object attracts another. The quality of arousing interest; being attractive or something that attracts.
Why do we fall for certain people? The science of attraction. We're attracted to people who like the same things as us -- politics, music, books. But why? And could it mean we're judging those who aren't like us too harshly? Sometimes life's most meaningful relationships grow from the briefest of connections. Like when you go to a party and meet someone wearing your favorite band's T-shirt, or who laughs at the same jokes as you, or who grabs that unpopular snack you alone (or so you thought) love. One small, shared interest sparks a conversation -- that's my favorite, too! -- and blossoms into lasting affection.
Similarity-Attraction Hypothesis explains that people tend to be attracted to people that are similar to themselves. These similarities are in the form of shared valued and beliefs, attitudes, cultural backgrounds, and even small behaviors like posture.
Simpatico is someone likable and easy to get along with, or someone easy to like and agreeable. Someone having shared attributes or interests. Able to exist and perform in harmonious or agreeable combination. Someone compatible.
To be Lucky in Love is to finally have a successful romantic relationship. To be Unlucky in Love is having a series of bad romantic relationships.
Love only needs each other, but it's not as simple as it sounds. Though love is natural, and though love can be felt by anyone, young or old, and even though love does not require any intelligence, love does get better when you keep learning about yourself, and continue to learn about others, and continue to learn about the world around you. This is not to say that Love requires knowledge, but Love does come from knowledge, so knowledge requires love. Are you Lovin this?
What three words are said too much, but not enough? "I Love You."
Love Conquers All is a saying that means that love can be a powerful force that has the ability to overcome obstacles or difficulties. When two individuals are deeply in love with each other, their bond and affection can triumph over challenges, conflicts, or adversities that they may encounter in life. Love is the greatest force in the universe. It is the force that gives healing and life, and binds souls together. But love alone is not always enough to overcome the challenges and obstacles in life. A healthy and fulfilling relationship requires a multitude of other elements, including trust, communication, compatibility, and shared values. Additionally, external factors and major differences in life goals or values can sometimes be too much for love to conquer. Omnia Vincit Amor.
Love Yourself
Self-Love means having a high regard for your own well-being and happiness. Self-love means taking care of your own needs and not sacrificing your well-being just to please others. Love yourself unconditionally, just as you love those closest to you despite their faults.
Empathy - Positive Thinking - Conscience - Avoiding Narcissism - Avoiding Inflated Ego - Avoiding Negative Thoughts - Avoiding Fake Love
Learn to love yourself first, instead of loving the idea of other people loving you. The goal is to love someone else without loving yourself any less, because the best part of the love that you give to someone else comes partially from the love that you give to yourself. Love Yourself.
Love Yourself First: L is for Logical - O is for Organized - V is for Virtuous - E is for Educating.
F is for Focus - I is for Integrity - R is for Resolve - S is for Strength - T is for Tolerance.
"You can't make someone love you, but you can definitely become someone who can be loved, and be someone who is worth loving."
Self-Compassion is extending compassion to one's self in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure, or general suffering. Learning from mistakes instead of punishing yourself for mistakes. Mindfulness.
Allow yourself to be loved, especially by you. If you are not allowing yourself to be loved, no one will love you, not even yourself. Allow yourself to be loved. The loving starts with you. And love should always be with you, even when there is no one else there to love you. You are the keeper of the flame. And no one can blow out your candle because your fire is well hidden and protected inside you. Focus on being a friend to yourself, then be that friend to everyone else. See Both Sides. Be your own valentine, love yourself first.
Write yourself a love letter and describe all the things that you admire about yourself. Schedule a date with yourself—an afternoon or an evening that’s all about you. Invest in yourself. Remind yourself, "You make the world a better place."
“To love yourself is a never-ending journey.” – Oprah Winfrey
Treat Yourself means to do something good and pleasurable for yourself, something that may not be necessary, but fun. It may be something that you do just for the enjoyment of it. It may be buying a gift for yourself or doing an activity that you always like to do or always wanted to do. Treating yourself is not the same thing as emotional spending where you buy something that you don't need just to ease your emotions such as depression or sadness.
Women who practice self-compassion are at lower risk of cardiovascular disease. Practicing kindness is good for your body and mind. Despite what skeptics say, being kind to oneself is not a new age fad, there is actual research to back it up. Mindfulness.
Strong healthy relationships and having the love of someone you love can help lower anxiety and depression, it can increase self-esteem and create greater empathy, and it can also help strengthen your immune system, and help you to have more trusting and cooperative relationships. There are benefits of being single, but it's relative.
Personal Love is the love that is shown toward the body or the mind and its characteristics. Personal love can also mean the love for materially-based belongings.
111 is an angel number for self-love, and is usually considered to be a sign of enlightenment. 111 is a subtle message from your guardian angels that tells you what you must do to stay on the right course. Angel number 111 is also a symbol of fresh starts and new beginnings. 111 can also mean that you are an extremely independent person. You love to create. You love to express yourself. You love to share.
Types of Love - Ways to Love
Emotional
love or
romantic love is being in
love someone and having a strong emotional feeling of affection for them,
or having a strong attraction towards them. It's being so in love with a
person that you want to know everything about that person. And you want to feel and experience
love as if you two were one being. Romance is a relationship between two lovers. A story dealing with love.
True Love - Dating - Marriage - Promise
Soul Mate is a person with whom one has a feeling of deep or natural affinity. This may involve similarity, love, romance, comfort, intimacy, sexuality, sexual activity, spirituality, or compatibility and trust.
"It's easy to fall in love, I do it all the time, the hard part is to stay in love."
"Love is like a fart, if you have to force it, it's probably crap."
Appreciative Love is when you appreciate someone's friendship and recognize how extremely important they are. You are always ready to help that person when ever they need your help. You listen with complete awareness when they speak, because you know that they carefully listen to you when you speak. Appreciative love is similar to parental love. The love between a parent and their child can be one of the strongest kinds of love, but it can also be one of the most complicated types of love. Attachment Theory.
Love is to have a great affection or liking for someone or something. A strong positive emotion of regard and affection that you get pleasure from. Love is a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes that ranges from interpersonal affection ("I love my mother") to pleasure ("I loved that meal"). It can refer to an emotion of a strong attraction and personal attachment. It can also be a virtue representing human kindness, compassion, and affection—"the unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another". It may also describe compassionate and affectionate actions towards other humans, one's self or animals. A beloved person is used as a term of endearment.
When all the good qualities of love are combined, it creates a very special love. A love that everyone should have. But even if you don't have emotional love, that will never stop you from loving or stop you from being loved. That is truly the value of love. Love is non conditional, though Love flourishes in more favorable conditions.
Unconditional Love is a type of love when you promise to keep loving someone even when they make a mistake or when they have failed, or when they have experienced some unfortunate circumstance that was not of their choosing, like when someone becomes ill. Unconditional Love is when you love someone without having any unfair restrictions, requirements, limitations or conditions. It means that you will be by their side and forgive them, even when they have a change of heart. The term unconditional love is also sometimes associated with other terms such as true altruism, or complete love. Each area of expertise has a certain way of describing unconditional love, but most will agree that it is that type of love which has no bounds and is unchanging to a certain degree. It is a concept comparable to true love, a term which is more frequently used to describe love between lovers. By contrast, unconditional love is frequently used to describe love between family members, comrades in arms and between others in highly committed relationships. An example of this is a parent's love for their child; no matter a test score, a life changing decision, an argument, or a strong belief, the amount of love that remains between this bond is seen as unchanging and unconditional. Unconditional love is garnered and shared by those who love themselves first. Love should flow naturally. You should never force love or expect love. You should only let Love flow naturally. Unconditional love does not mean that you should be gullible or ignore your responsibilities, or ignore the contracts that we make with each other. It means that we should not punish people or blame people without having an honest and civil discourse. Everyone is innocent until proven guilty, but even then, you still need a fair judge and Jury. Don't confuse unconditional love with passivity. When people step over the line repeatedly, you need to reassess the relationship. A divorce is sometimes necessary.
No Strings Attached - Freedom has Limits
The most important condition or requirement that you should put on a friendship, is that you both agree to communicate with each other, and to never make assumptions. Agree to talk, listen and learn. And when a friendship drifts apart, you'll know why, instead of wondering why.
Condition is a statement of what is required as part of an agreement. To specify a requirement in a contract or in an agreement. To make a demand or a provision in an agreement. Information that should be kept in mind when making a decision. To develop behavior by instruction and practice, especially to teach self-control. An assumption on which rests the validity or effect of something else. Lines you should not Cross.
When you truly love someone, you love the whole person, you love the whole package. The person you love is like receiving a very special gift, you even love the wrapping paper that the gift comes in. You love everything about the person, even their imperfections. Everybody knows that no one is perfect, but someone can be perfect for you.
Love— the marriage of true minds—is perfect and unchanging; it does not admit impediments, and it does not change when it find changes in the loved one. Sonnet 116 (wiki) - William Shakespeare.
Some Nice Ways to Say I Love You Courtly How do I love thee
Even When - I'm glad that you're in this world. I'm glad that my experience with life includes you. I love almost everything about you. Even when you bitch and complain, I know that it's not you, and I know that you're just expressing a feeling, and every human has feelings and emotions, even me. So I listen, and I hope to learn something. Even when we wasted time, my time with you is never a waste.
I love my fellow humans, I love my body, I love my mind and my soul. I love my earth, I love my sun, my solar system, my galaxy and my universe. I thank God for having me. So what's next? Should I just enjoy everything while it lasts? Then what? Something wonderful?
Pure Love - True Love
Pure is something that is free of bad qualities and free of unnecessary elements of any kind. Something that is pleasing and valuable and in its natural state of harmony. Something clear.
Purist is one who desires that an item remain true to its essence and free from adulterating or diluting influences.
Unadulterated is something not mixed or diluted with any different or extra elements. Something complete and absolute with no inferior added substances; pure. Low Noise.
True Love is the love that encompasses all the best qualities of love. It's a strong and lasting affection between two people who are in a happy, passionate and fulfilling relationship, and stay passionate about each other and care deeply for each other for the entire relationship. It's when two people can step out of themselves and think about the betterment of the relationship, and not just the betterment of their own life.
Forget-Me-Nots represent true love and giving someone this flower means you truly love and respect this person. It is a testament to your relationships and promises the other person that you will never forget them in your thoughts. A symbol of fidelity and being truthful to someone you love. Fidelity is the quality of faithfulness or loyalty. Pansy flowers are traditionally seen as symbols of love – both romantic and platonic. In Victorian floriography, pansies often represented forbidden love between secret lovers. Pansies also symbolize qualities like compassion, remembrance, and nostalgia. Pansies also embody thoughtfulness.
Good is having desirable or positive qualities especially those suitable for a thing specified. Morally admirable. Promoting or enhancing well-being. Agreeable or pleasing. Of moral excellence or admirableness. Having or showing knowledge and skill and aptitude. Most suitable or right for a particular purpose. Resulting favorably. Capable of pleasing. Appealing to the mind. In excellent physical condition. Tending to promote physical well-being; beneficial to health. Generally admired. Beneficial. That which is pleasing or valuable or useful. In a good or proper or satisfactory manner or to a high standard. The quality of doing what is right and avoiding what is wrong. A good friend.
Patience - Positive Thinking - Being Friendly
Nice is the act of showing regard for others. Pleasant or pleasing or agreeable in nature or appearance. Socially or conventionally correct; refined or virtuous. Done with delicacy and skill. Exhibiting courtesy and politeness. A courteous manner that respects accepted social usage.
Thoughtful is the considerate of the feelings or well-being of others. Showing concern for the rights and feelings of others. Acting with or showing thought and good sense. Exhibiting or characterized by careful thought. Having intellectual depth.
Kind is having or showing a tender and considerate and helpful nature. Kind is being tolerant and forgiving under provocation.
Cleanliness is Next to Godliness expresses the idea that those who are pure and wholesome are close to God.
Wholesome is characteristic of physical or moral well-being and exhibiting soundness in body or mind.
Obsessive Love - Unreasoned Passion
Obsessive Love is when a person feels an overwhelming obsessive desire to possess another person toward whom one feels a strong attraction, with an inability to accept failure or rejection.
Infatuation is the state of being carried away by an unreasoned passion that is without proper insight and without proper evaluative judgment. Infatuation can be a blind desire that can exhibit bad judgment and misevaluation, sometimes for reasons such as ones own ignorance or recklessness, and sometimes without due thought or consideration, and sometimes in spite of everything, and without regard to drawbacks, like with an addiction.
Love at First Sight is the experience of starting to be in love with someone as soon as you see them for the first time. Love at first sight is usually one-sided, but the other person may later adjust their recollection and believe they also experienced love at first sight or second sight, so love at first sight can be a strong initial attraction that could later become a relationship. Love at first sight can happen multiple times. Rather than slowly falling in love over time, a person feels like they love the person from their very first encounter. Some describe this feeling as an instant connection, or a deep attraction and a sensation like feeling butterflies in their stomach. Some even believe that they've met the person before and that they are destined to be with this person forever. Love at first sight can be powerful because because it involves an intense and immediate emotional response to someone upon first meeting them. It may seem very powerful because of a chemical reaction in the brain that releases hormones like dopamine, which can make love at first sight feel real in that moment.
Puppy Love - Love Addiction - Unhealthy Attachments - Idolizing - Worship - Love Addiction - Jealousy - Head Games
Enamored is marked by foolish or unreasoning fondness. Temptation.
Captivated is being strongly attracted to something or someone. Filled with wonder and delight. Cause to be enamored or marked by foolish or unreasoning fondness. Very interested.
Entranced is being filled with wonder and delight.
Fervent is having or displaying a passionate intensity.
Fervor is the state of being emotionally aroused and worked up. Intense and passionate feeling. Feelings of great warmth and intensity.
Puppy Love is an informal term for feelings of love, romance, or infatuation, often felt by young people during their childhood and adolescence. It is named for its resemblance to the adoring, worshipful affection that may be felt by a puppy. It may also be able to describe short/long-term love interest. The term can be used in a derogatory fashion, describing emotions which are shallow and transient in comparison to other forms of love such as romantic love.
Crush is obsessive feelings that you have towards someone for no logical reason, which sometimes causes you to think about them more than anything else, without knowing them on a personal level.
Charm is attractiveness that interests, pleases or stimulates.
Limerence is a state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person and typically includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies and a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and have one's feelings reciprocated.
Desired is wanting intensely.
Fixations are attachments to people or things in general persisting from childhood into adult life. Body Image.
Fetishizing is to have an excessive and irrational commitment to something or someone or an obsession with something or someone. To make something the object of a sexual fetish.
Lust is a psychological force producing intense wanting or longing for an object, or circumstance fulfilling the emotion. Lust can take any form such as the lust for sexuality, love, money or power. It can take such mundane forms as the lust for food as distinct from the need for food. Focus on your needs and not just what you want.
Addictions - Dependencies - Attraction -
"We shouldn't put a face on love, because love is not a face, love is everything behind the face."
"Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind, and therefore is winged Cupid painted blind." - (Act I, Scene I). Henry V Play 1599.
"To fall in love for superficial reasons is an insult to love. Love should be pure, otherwise that act of loving someone becomes fake and exploitive."
Superficial is seeing only the surface. Insignificant details of little importance. Narrowness of mind. Body Image.
Playing Hard to Get is to pretend not to be interested in someone when you really are. You're trying not to look easy or desperate to give the impression of being independent and secure, while in fact, you're attracted to someone, but you don't want them to know until you are sure that they're interested in you too.
We tend to like people who like us, which is a basic human trait that psychologists have termed "reciprocity of attraction." This principle generally works well to start relationships because it reduces the likelihood of rejection. Yet, making the chase harder also has its upsides. Which one then is the better strategy for finding a partner? People who are too easy to attract may be perceived as more desperate.
Reciprocal Liking is the act of a person feeling an attraction to someone only upon learning or becoming aware of that person's attraction to themselves. Reciprocal liking has a significant impact on human attraction and the formation of relationships. People that reciprocally have a liking for each other typically initiate or develop a friendship or romantic relationship. Feelings of admiration, affection, love, and respect are characteristics for reciprocal liking between the two individuals. When there is reciprocal liking there is strong mutual attraction or strong mutual liking, but with others there isn't. The feelings of warmth and intimacy also play a role. The consideration and desire to spend time with one another is another strong indicator for reciprocal liking.
Hopeless Romantic is someone who continues to believe in love, no matter the struggles they might have experienced in the past. They choose to see the positive in relationships over the negative, believing wholeheartedly that love conquers all. Hopeless romantics belief in relationship destiny and believe that potential relationship partners are either compatible or they are not. A hopeless romantic can be seen as being superficial, or biased, or gullible, or infatuated, or desperate and lonely, or a believer, or being too positive or having too much optimism, or all of those things together.
On-Again, Off-Again Relationship is a form of personal relationship between two persons who keep breaking up only to reconcile afterwards, thus repeating a cycle. A relationship might be on-again, off-again, when one partner relocates to a new place or the couple re-assessing their relationship. Many continue to reunite out of a persistent hope that the moments of happiness and gratification they have known will eventually constitute the entire relationship.
Fallin' - Alicia Keys (youtube) - I keep on fallin' In and out of love With you. Sometimes I love ya, Sometimes you make me blue, Sometimes I feel good, At times I feel used, Lovin' you darlin', Makes me so confused.
Frenemy refers to "a person with whom one is friendly, despite a fundamental dislike or rivalry" or "a person who combines the characteristics of a friend and an enemy". The term is used to describe personal, geopolitical and commercial relationships both among individuals and groups or institutions. This term also describes a competitive friendship.
Friend Zone is to regard someone solely as a friend, despite their unreciprocated romantic or sexual interest. It's a situation in which one member of a friendship wishes to enter into a romantic or sexual relationship, while the other does not, or a situation in which a friendship exists between two people, one of whom has an unreciprocated romantic or sexual interest in the other. The sense of zone is one of being stuck in an unwanted and distant relationship. The rejected person is said to have been put "in" the object of their affection's "friend zone". The concept of the friend zone has been criticized as misogynistic, because of a belief that the concept implies an expectation that women should have sex with men in whom they have no interest, simply because the men were nice to them. This is closely associated with so-called "nice guy syndrome". describe a man who views himself as a prototypical "nice guy," but whose "nice deeds" are deemed to be solely motivated by a desire to court women.
Ambivalence is a state of having simultaneous conflicting reactions, beliefs, or feelings towards some object. Stated another way, ambivalence is the experience of having an attitude towards someone or something that contains both positively and negatively valenced components. The term also refers to situations where "mixed feelings" of a more general sort are experienced, or where a person experiences uncertainty or indecisiveness. Although attitudes tend to guide attitude-relevant behavior, those held with ambivalence tend to do so to a lesser extent. The less certain an individual is in their attitude, the more impressionable it becomes, hence making future actions less predictable and/or less decisive. Ambivalent attitudes are also more susceptible to transient information (e.g., mood), which can result in a more malleable evaluation. However, since ambivalent people think more about attitude-relevant information, they also tend to be more persuaded by (compelling) attitude-relevant information than less-ambivalent people. Explicit ambivalence may or may not be experienced as psychologically unpleasant when the positive and negative aspects of a subject are both present in a person's mind at the same time. Psychologically uncomfortable ambivalence, also known as cognitive dissonance, can lead to avoidance, procrastination, or to deliberate attempts to resolve the ambivalence. People experience the greatest discomfort from their ambivalence at the time when the situation requires a decision to be made. People are aware of their ambivalence to varying degrees, so the effects of an ambivalent state vary across individuals and situations. For this reason, researchers have considered two forms of ambivalence, only one of which is subjectively experienced as a state of conflict.
Love–Hate Relationship is a rocky relationship where a person can show their love at one moment but in the next moment show hate, which makes you wonder if that person really loves you at all. It's usually a sign that someone either has personal problems or has difficulty communicating, or maybe its that the person doesn't understand what a healthy relationship is really like. You can also have a Love Hate Relationship with Food, which is when you love to eat a type of food but that particular food doesn't love you back because the food is unhealthy and could eventually give you heart disease if you keep eating it.
Love Triangle is usually a romantic relationship involving three or more people. While it can refer to two people independently romantically linked with a third, it usually implies that each of the three people has some kind of relationship to the other two. Although the romantic love triangle is formally identical to the friendship triad, as many have noted their actual implications are quite different....Romantic love is typically viewed as an exclusive relationship, whereas friendship is not. Statistics suggest that, in Western society, willingly or not aware of, most adults have been involved in a love triangle.
Remember, holding on too tightly to anything in life will always cloud the experience and reduce the time that you have together, and you will end up not appreciating what you have, which is something temporary, as everything in life is. These are the rules of nature that have been given to us. Though we like to believe that love will still survive on some other level and last till the end of time.
Love leaves a mark on the brain, science confirms it. The brain produces more of the pleasure-inducing hormone dopamine when we're longing for or hanging out with our partner, new research suggests. But when we break up, their unique 'chemical imprint' fades away. The study centers around prairie voles, which have the distinction of being among the 3 percent to 5 percent of mammals that form monogamous pair bonds.
Head Games - Fakers - Manipulators
Fake is when a person makes deceitful pretenses. Being fraudulent and having a misleading appearance. Not genuine or real; being an imitation of the genuine article. Something that is a counterfeit; not what it seems to be. Speak insincerely or without regard for facts or truths.
Two Faced - Romance Scams - Gaslighting - Cults - Playing Games - Playing Jokes - Faking it - Hypocrisy - Propaganda - Downplaying - Divorce - Rejection
Pretenses is the act of giving a false appearance. Pretending with intention to deceive. A false or unsupportable quality.
Narcissistic Love tends to be superficial and fleeting. They can develop intense emotional attachments—even appearing to "fall in love"—and yet still maintain a complete lack of empathy for the object of their affection. Love of Money.
Mind Game is a series of deliberate actions or responses planned for psychological effect on another, typically for amusement or competitive advantage. Mind Games are actions performed for reasons of psychological one-upmanship, often employing passive–aggressive behavior to specifically demoralize or dis-empower the thinking subject, making the aggressor look superior.
Head Game is an attempt to psychologically manipulate or intimidate someone. A mental pursuit or obsession. Psychologically intimidate someone. Manipulators use guilt and manipulation to control you and get what they want. Gaslighters lie, deny things, and confuse you until you don’t know what’s real anymore.
Guilt Trip is a feeling of guilt or responsibility, especially an unjustified one induced by someone else. Creating a guilt trip in another person may be considered to be psychological manipulation in the form of punishment for a perceived transgression. Guilt trips are also considered to be a form of passive aggression. The victim may be reminded of something bad they did, made to feel guilty about it and then given an option to escape that guilt. The option will depend on what the manipulator wants them to do. People often feel obliged to comply with guilt trip demands as a way of receiving others' approval.
Emotional Blackmail is when a control freak uses fear, obligation and guilt on the person they want to control. Understanding these dynamics is useful to anyone trying to free themself from the controlling behavior of another person and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others.
Reverse Psychology is a technique involving the assertion of a belief or behavior that is opposite to the one desired, with the expectation that this approach will encourage the subject of the persuasion to do what is actually desired. Psychology.
Love is Blind when love is based on positive illusions instead of being based on objective reality. When you can't see who a person truly is, then that lie will lead you astray to a place where love does not exist. That is why people are always shocked when a person they thought they knew does something bad. Don't assume that a person is good or bad. You need to learn about the person to know the person, and not pretend to know them.
Love is Knowledge - Jealousy - Rejection
"Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind, And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind." - William Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night's Dream.
Fake Friend Warning Signs. Look out for red flags such as excessive flattery, gossiping, manipulation, or consistently taking advantage of your kindness. Fake friends take far more than they give, while sometimes promising they’re true friends, but in reality, they may be unreliable and rarely keep their promises to you. They may tell you how much they care, but they’re only really there for the fun parts of being a friend. Fair-weather friends are there when times are good, but are nowhere to be found when things are tough. Opportunists are always looking for what they can get out of the relationship. They'll be around when they need something from you, but they'll disappear when you need help or support. Users exploit your kindness and generosity. They take advantage of your resources, whether it's money, possessions, or favors, without genuine gratitude or reciprocation. People who struggle with low self-esteem or feelings of inadequacy might use fake friendships as a way to boost their own self-worth. They may seek attention and validation from others to feel better about themselves. Validation seekers need your attention, validation, and praise to boost their self-esteem. They don't care about your well-being. They may not show much interest in what’s going on with you. Fake friends are people who pretend to care about you but don't actually have your best interests at heart. Your relationship with them may feel one-sided. and your conversations with them might revolve only around them, their life, and their opinions. Their friendship is often contingent on what they can gain from you, whether it’s social status, material possessions, monetary gain, or other types of benefits. Once they achieve their goal, their interest diminishes. The person may not be loyal to you. They may share your confidences with others, talk badly about you behind your back, or even spread rumors about you. They may dismiss, belittle, ridicule, or humiliate you in front of other people. Competitors view your accomplishments as a threat to themselves. They downplay your achievements, undermine your efforts, or try to one-up you to maintain a sense of superiority. They may feel threatened by your successes and accomplishments. Instead of celebrating your achievements, they may try to downplay them or compete with you. They might even use guilt, manipulation, or emotional blackmail to get what they want from you. Flatterers shower you with compliments and praise, but their intentions are not genuine. They use flattery to manipulate you into doing things for them. They may consistently overstep or disregard your boundaries, whether it's your personal space, privacy, or emotional limits. They may negate you by saying or doing things that hurt you, but claim they were trying to help you. Be willing to let them go if they disrespect you again, Understand that it's OK to prioritize your happiness and well-being.
Some of the things that fake people may say: You’re imagining things. You’re too sensitive. You’re being irrational. You’re just overreacting. You’re making a big deal out of nothing. It was just a joke. I never said that. You don’t remember it correctly. You need help. Why can’t you take a compliment. It’s always something with you. Where did that come from? You’re just like your parent or friend. You should have known how I’d feel about that. I was just trying to help you. I’m the only one who truly understands you. You’ll never find someone else like me. You owe me.
When someone takes advantage of your kindness and your generosity, you have to reevaluate the relationship. When the other person expects you to listen to them, but they rarely listens to you. And if the other person expects you to do things for them, but rarely ever does things for you, then that's a one sided relationship. A good friendship is symbiotic, a bad friendship is parasitic. You can live with a parasite to a certain degree, but when the parasite threatens your own safety and your own welfare, then you have to get rid of parasite, and sometimes removing a parasite can be painful, for both the host and for the parasite.
Some people constantly make other people do things for them, when they can do things themselves. They use people for what he can get out of them. They are often a narcissist or sociopath, and can be toxic and parasitic. They take excessively while the other is making all the sacrifices. They feel entitled, and will manipulate and control people. Some people enjoy having their bums kissed, and relish that feeling of power over others. The person imposes on you without consideration for your availability or preferences. The person expects you to take care of their needs. Needy people can use their guilt on others to be very manipulative and get their way. Needy people are draining to those who are genuinely giving. People take advantage of you because you're too nice and they have taken you for granted because you're always there for people whenever they need you. When someone is using you, it means they are manipulating or taking advantage of you for their own benefit. There're lazy, clingy and always seeking attention. They squander off the needs of others and like to play victim while being treacherous behind closed doors.
When its all about you, other people become just objects or things. When you force another person to do something for you, you stop that person from doing something else that they also need to do for themselves. What makes you more important than the person helping you? What makes you more valuable than the person helping you? By default, every human has value. So it's all about mutual respect. It's not about just one person, it's about "we the people." You have to learn how to listen to other people if you want other people to listen to you. When you're self-centered, you're not looking at other perspectives or concerned about how other people feel. When you always have to be the center of attention, or continually have to talk about yourself, and when you're wrapped up in yourself like a selfish spoiled brat, that means it's all about you.
To most fake people, you're mostly a stock character playing a part in their fantasy world.
Money Can't Buy You Love is a saying that means that no amount of money will make someone love you if you're a terrible person or a moron. The best that you can do is buy someone's service, and that's only if you're lucky, because most people don't like to work for as*holes no matter how much you pay them. Don't be a fool for love and don't be a fool for money is easier said than done, which means that it's easier to talk about doing something than it is to put your words into practice. Walk the Talk is to do what you said you would do, and not just make empty promises. It's putting your words or your talk into action. Even though money may make it easier to find love, you still have to be careful what you wish for.
Rejection - When Someone Doesn't Love You Anymore
Rejection is dismissing or refusing of a proposal, which is not bad, except that some people who reject you express a lack of respect accompanied by a feeling of intense dislike, which can hurt. No need to be mean, it may spread.
Cheating (Falling Out of Love) - Fooling Around
Social Rejection occurs when an individual is deliberately excluded from a social relationship or social interaction.
Rejected is to dismiss from consideration. Refuse to accept or acknowledge. Deem something wrong or inappropriate, but the person may be objective or biased, but it is still a choice, and not a judgment. Stay confident and practice forgiveness.
Rejection is a harsh word, and it's also not an accurate word to use. Everyone has different tastes and different needs, and those tastes and needs change as we get older and become more mature. So sometimes relationships are all about the timing. When you meet someone at the right time, it's easier to make a connection. But this does not mean that the connection will last, because everyone changes over time. Some changes take people in different directions, and other changes may take us in the same direction, which means that a long lasting relationship is very possible. Divorce (when marriages end).
Shunning can be the act of social rejection, or emotional distance. In a religious context, shunning is a formal decision by a denomination or a congregation to cease interaction with an individual or a group, and follows a particular set of rules. It differs from, but may be associated with, excommunication. Shunned is being persistently avoided, ignored, or rejected. Passive Aggressive.
Blew You Off means that someone ignored you and did not follow through on an agreement or social engagement. To treat someone as unimportant, either by not honoring previously made plans or by not acknowledging someone who has greeted you.
Ghosting is the practice of ceasing all communication and contact with a partner, friend, or similar individual without any apparent warning or justification and subsequently ignoring any attempts to reach out or communicate made by said partner, friend, or individual. Ghosting is abruptly ending communication with someone without explanation.
Ghosting friends increases depressive tendencies over time. Ghosting has been found to be associated with a lack of psychological well-being and increasing levels of distrust in the relationship. Depressive tendencies describe the extent to which a person experiences symptoms of depression.
Ignored is to refuse to acknowledge someone. To bar someone from attention or consideration. Fail to notice someone. Estranged.
Silent Treatment is the refusal to communicate verbally with someone who is willing to communicate. It may range from just sulking to malevolent abusive controlling behavior. Estranged.
Cold Shoulder is a phrase used to express dismissal or the act of disregarding someone. Used as a description of aloofness and disdain, a contemptuous look over one's shoulder.
Stonewalling is a refusal to communicate or cooperate. Such behavior occurs in situations such as marriage guidance counseling, diplomatic negotiations, politics and legal cases. Body language may indicate and reinforce this by avoiding contact and engagement with the other party. People use deflection in a conversation in order to render a conversation pointless and insignificant. Tactics in stonewalling include giving sparse, vague responses, refusing to answer questions, or responding to questions with additional questions. In most cases, stonewalling is used to create a delay, rather than to put the conversation off forever. Filibuster.
Dear John letter is a letter written to a man by his wife or romantic partner to inform him their relationship is over because she has found another lover. The man is often a soldier stationed overseas, although the letter may be used in other ways, including being left for him to discover when he returns from work to an emptied house. It is usually sent after time-away on holiday.
Grow Apart is to gradually have less of a close relationship, usually because each person no longer has the same interests or wants the same things.
When the Song is Over. Losing the love of someone when a relationship ends can be very painful. Like when a song ends. You wish that the song never ended because the song was so enjoyable. You can just play the song again, but there is seldom a replay of a relationship you enjoyed. Imagine never hearing a song again, especially a song that you loved. How would you remember that song? Would you recreate the song? Would you recreate the love that you lost? The music doesn't have to end, neither does the love. When the music's over, turn out the lights, but maybe this time, I'll keep the lights on.
Wandering Eye is a tendency to look at and have sexual thoughts about other people while already in a romantic relationship.
Betrayal is the breaking or violation of a presumptive contract, trust, or confidence that produces moral and psychological conflict within a relationship amongst individuals. Treason.
Head Games - Hatred - Censorship - Evictions - Grieving - Broken Heart
"Falling in love is not always a choice, but to stay in love is."
"Anyone can come into your life and say how much they love you. It takes someone really special to stay in your life and show how much they love you." Don't Expect things, only understand things.
Not Your Type means that a person doesn't match your standards or qualities and lacks certain characteristics and personality that you usually find attractive and interesting. This doesn't mean that something is wrong with the person, it just means they are not compatible.
Romantically Challenged is someone who gets rejected a lot from people who they are looking for romantic relationship with.
Excitement Wears Off or the Novelty Wears Off is when you stop feeling interested or excited about something because it is no longer new. Anhedonia.
Turned Off is to lose interest. Something that evokes a negative feeling.Turn off is to disable, disconnect, or stop the function of something. To stop the flow.
Standoffish is a person who does not engage in friendly conversation and seems uninterested, uncaring or troubled. Emotionally unresponsive and unwilling to express genuine feelings or listen. May be holding contempt.
Repel is to cause something to move back by force or influence. Reject outright and bluntly. Force or drive back. Fill with distaste. Negative Energy.
Rebuff is to reject something outright and bluntly. A deliberate discourteous act or an expression of anger or disapproval. An instance of driving away or warding off something. To force or drive back. Denial.
Don't blame love for your negative feelings or thoughts, don't blame love for your broken heart. Love does not stink or hurt, and don't blame love for being jealous. Don't blame love for not meeting your expectations, don't blame love for being insecure, don't blame love for being blind or tainted, because love does not cause those things to happen, you cause those things to happen. The only thing to blame is your own lack of knowledge. There is lot to learn about relationships, and there's also a lot to learn about your-self. So don't play the blame game, play the learning game, it's much more fun and a lot more rewarding. Now that's Love.
A Woman Scorned is when a woman who has been rejected or betrayed in love becomes very angry and dangerous. "Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned".
Don't Pull Your Love by Hamilton, Joe Frank, & Reynolds - Don't pull your love out on me honey. Take my heart, my soul, my money. But don't leave me drownin' in my tears.
My Lovin, You're Never Gonna Get It - En Vogue (youtube)
The Sun Ain't Gonna Shine Anymore - The Walker Brothers (youtube) - Loneliness is the cloak you wear, A deep shade of blue is always there, The sun ain't gonna shine anymore, The moon ain't gonna rise in the sky, The tears are always clouding your eyes, When you're without love, baby.
If You Could Read My Mind - Gordon Lightfoot (youtube) - I never thought I could feel this way, And I've got to say that I just don't get it, I don't know where we went wrong, But the feeling's gone, And I just can't get it back.
50 Ways to Leave Your Lover - Paul Simon (youtube) - You just slip out the back, Jack, Make a new plan, Stan, You don't need to be coy, Roy, Just get yourself free, Hop on the bus, Gus, You don't need to discuss much, Just drop off the key, Lee, And get yourself free.
SOS - Abba (youtube) - Where are those happy days, they seem so hard to find. I tried to reach for you, but you have closed your mind. Whatever happened to our love? I wish I understood. It used to be so nice, it used to be so good. So when you're near me, darling can't you hear me S. O. S. The love you gave me, nothing else can save me S. O. S. When you're gone, How can I even try to go on? When you're gone, Though I try how can I carry on? You seem so far away though you are standing near. You made me feel alive, but something died I fear. I really tried to make it out, I wish I understood. What happened to our love, it used to be so good. So when you're near me, darling can't you hear me, S. O. S. The love you gave me, nothing else can save me, S. O. S. When you're gone, How can I even try to go on? When you're gone, Though I try how can I carry on? So when you're near me, darling can't you hear me, S. O. S. And the love you gave me, nothing else can save me, S. O. S. When you're gone, How can I even try to go on? When you're gone, Though I try how can I carry on? When you're gone, How can I even try to go on? When you're gone, Though I try how can I carry on?
The Winner Takes It All - Abba (youtube) - I don't want to talk, About the things we've gone through, Though it's hurting me, Now it's history, I've played all my cards. And that's what you've done too, Nothing more to say, No more ace to play, The winner takes it all, The loser standing small, Beside the victory, That's her destiny, I was in your arms, Thinking I belonged there, I figured it made sense, Building me a fence, Building me a home, Thinking I'd be strong there, But I was a fool, Playing by the rules, The gods may throw a dice, Their minds as cold as ice, And someone way down here, Loses someone dear, The winner takes it all, The loser has to fall, It's simple and it's plain, Why should I complain, But tell me does she kiss, Like I used to kiss you? Does it feel the same, When she calls your name? Somewhere deep inside, You must know I miss you, But what can I say, Rules must be obeyed, The judges will decide, The likes of me abide, Spectators of the show, Always staying low, The game is on again, A lover or a friend, A big thing or a small, The winner takes it all, I don't want to talk, If it makes you feel sad, And I understand, You've come to shake my hand, I apologize, If it makes you feel bad, Seeing me so tense, No self-confidence, But you see, The winner takes it all, The winner takes it all, So the winner takes it all, And the the loser has to fall, Throw a dice, cold as ice, Way down here, someone dear, Takes it all, has to fall, It seems plain to me.
Build Me Up Buttercup (youtube) - The Foundations - 1968 - Why do you build me up, Buttercup, baby, Just to let me down, And mess me around, And then worst of all, You never call, baby, When you say you will.
Insert Generic Name (youtube) - Stacy, It really sucks to be your girlfriend, Although you're a prolific boyfriend, I'm suddenly the center of resentment in your harem.
There will be times in your life when people don't like you or who are indifferent towards you. And you will wonder what you said or what you did that would cause someone not to like you or cause someone not to respect you. It is normal to have a conscience and to care about what other people think about you. But you can't always control how some people will react towards you. So please don't take rejection personally or take it to the heart. If you can, ask someone why they were cold or distant or ignoring you. But don't be surprised that you don't get a straight answer from them. Someone might say they don't like you, but they can't explain it, meaning, they are ashamed about rejecting you, or they're afraid to hurt you, or, they are afraid to hurt themselves by saying something stupid or inaccurate. This is one of the reasons why you don't take things personally. There are some people who just don't like other people for numerous reasons. Even the people they do like, they too are sometimes given a cold shoulder. So it's not you, it's them. The best thing you can do, is not to expect people to like you. Even when you are nice and do nice things, don't expect people to notice you. Being a good person is good, expecting people to notice you is bad. People perceive things differently and thus react differently. So don't jump to conclusions or assume the worse about people. Be good, be nice, be respectable, but don't be gullible or naive. You too can make mistakes and you too can say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing. So don't punish yourself or punish others. Look for logical reasons and look for logical answers, and don't stop learning. There is no good reason for a good person to suffer from the bad behavior of others. So stay true to yourself. Being good is sometimes a thankless job and can be a lot of work. But being good is the most important job to have. So don't let others who act bad or say bad things stop you from being good or stop you from doing good things. Listen to people when they have concerns. But don't judge people when their concerns are narrow minded or inaccurate. Being good and doing good things should be explainable. So part of your job of being a good person is being able to explain why you are good and way you need to do good things.
Love Songs - Songs about Love
The First
Time Ever I Saw Your Face - Roberta Flack (1969) (youtube)
- The first time ever I saw your face, I thought the sun rose in your
eyes, And the moon and the stars were the gifts you gave, To the dark and
the endless skies, my love. The first time ever I kissed your mouth, I felt the
earth move in my hand, Like the trembling heart of a captive bird, That
was there at my command my love. And the first time ever I lay with you, I
felt your heart so close to mine, And I knew our joy would fill the earth.
And last till the end of time my love, The first time ever I saw your
face, Your face, your face.I Think I Love You - Partridge Family (youtube) - I think I love you, so what am I so afraid of, I'm afraid that I'm not sure of, a love there is no cure for, I think I love you, isn't that what life is made of, Though it worries me to say, that I never felt this way.
Happy Together - The Turtles (youtube) - I can't see me lovin' nobody but you For all my life, When you're with me, baby the skies'll be blue For all my life.
Cant Take My Eyes Off You - Frankie Valli and The 4 Seasons (youtube) - You're just too good to be true, Can't take my eyes off of you, You'd be like Heaven to touch, I wanna hold you so much, At long last love has arrived, And I thank God I'm alive, You're just too good to be true, Can't take my eyes off of you. I love you baby, And if it's quite all right, I need you, baby, to warm these lonely nights, I love you, baby, trust in me when I say.
I Love You Always Forever - Donna Lewis (youtube) - I love you always forever, Near and far closer together, Everywhere I will be with you, Everything I will do for you, I love you always forever, Near and far closer together, Everywhere I will be with you, Everything I will do for you.
The Power of Love - Huey Lewis and the News (youtube) - You don't need money, don't take fame, Don't need no credit card to ride this train, It's strong and it's sudden and it's cruel sometimes, But it might just save your life, That's the power of love.
Unchained Melody - Righteous Brothers (youtube) - Oh, my love, my darling, I've hungered for your touch, A long, lonely time, Time goes by so slowly, And time can do so much, Are you still mine? I need your love, I need your love, God speed your love to me.
More Today Than Yesterday - The Spiral Starecase (youtube) - I love you more today than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow.
Save The Best For Last - Vanessa Williams (youtube) - Sometimes the one thing you're looking for is the one thing you can't see.
No One - Alicia Keys (youtube) - I just want you close, Where you can stay forever, You can be sure, That it will only get better, You and me together, Through the days and nights, I don't worry, 'cause Everything's gonna be alright, People keep talking, they can say what they like, But all I know is everything's gonna be alright, No one, no one, no one, Can get in the way of what I'm feeling, No one, no one, no one, Can get in the way of what I feel for you, you, you, Can get in the way of what I feel for you.
Never My Love - Association (1967) (youtube) - You ask me if there'll come a time, When I grow tired of you, Never my love, Never my love.
Hooked On A Feeling - Blue Swede, I'm high on believing, that you're in love with me, Ooga-Ooga Ooga-Chaka.
Diamonds - Rihanna - I knew that we'd become one right away, Oh, right away. At first sight I felt the energy of sun rays, I saw the life inside your eyes, So shine bright tonight, You and I, We're beautiful like diamonds in the sky, Eye to eye, So alive, We're beautiful like diamonds in the sky. - Stay - Not really sure how to feel about it, Something in the way you move, Makes me feel like I can't live without you, It takes me all the way, I want you to stay. Round and around and around and around we go, Oh, now tell me now, tell me now, tell me now you know.
In Your Eyes - Peter Gabriel (youtube) - Love I get so lost, sometimes, Days pass and this emptiness fills my heart, When I want to run away, I drive off in my car, But whichever way I go, I come back to the place you are, All my instincts, they return, And the grand facade, so soon will burn, Without a noise, without my pride, I reach out from the inside, In your eyes, The light the heat, In your eyes, I am complete, In your eyes, I see the doorway to a thousand churches, In your eyes, The resolution of all the fruitless searches, In your eyes, I see the light and the heat, In your eyes, Oh, I want to be that complete, I want to touch the light, The heat I see in your eyes.
You're My Best Friend - Queen (youtube) - Oh, you're the best friend that I ever had, I've been with you such a long time, You're my sunshine and I want you to know, That my feelings are true, I really love you, Oh, you're my best friend, Ooh, you make me live, Ooh, I've been wandering 'round, Still come back to you (still come back to you), In rain or shine, you've stood by me girl, I'm happy at home (happy at home), You're my best friend.
Only You - The Platters (youtube) - Only you can make all this world seem right, Only you can make the darkness bright, Only you and you alone can thrill me like you do, And fill my heart with love for only you, Only you can make all this change in me, For it's true, you are my destiny, When you hold my hand I understand the magic that you do, You're my dream come true, my one and only you, Only you can make this change in me, For it's true, you are my destiny, When you hold my hand I understand the magic that you do, You're my dream come true, my one and only you.
To Love Somebody - Bee Gees (youtube) - There's a light, A certain kind of light, That never shone on me, I want my life to be lived with you, Lived with you, There's a way everybody say, To do each and every little thing, But what does it bring, If I ain't got you, ain't got? You don't know what it's like, baby, You don't know what it's like, To love somebody, To love somebody
The way I love you.
Wouldn't It Be Nice - The Beach Boys (youtube) - Wouldn't it be nice if we were older, Then we wouldn't have to wait so long? And wouldn't it be nice to live together, In the kind of world where we belong? You know it's gonna make it that much better, When we can say goodnight and stay together.
Just a Kiss - Lady Antebellum (youtube) - Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight, Just a touch of the fire burning so bright, And I don't want to mess this thing up, I don't want to push too far, Just a shot in the dark that you just might, Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life, So baby I'm alright, with just a kiss goodnight.
Say Hey - Michael Franti & Spearhead - I say hey, I'll be gone today, But I'll be back all around the way, It seems like everywhere I go, The more I see, the less I know, But I know one thing, That I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.
Say Anything... (3/5) Movie CLIP - Boombox Serenade (1989) HD (youtube) - If I could say anything, anything, What would it be? A good question for a distant reality, I would tell you that I love you, Even when it didn't show, I would tell you that I love you baby, By now I hope you know.
Bridge Over Troubled Water - Simon and Garfunkel (youtube) - When you're weary, feeling small, When tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all, all, I'm on your side, oh, when times get rough, And friends just can't be found, Like a bridge over troubled water, I will lay me down, Like a bridge over troubled water, I will lay me down.
We've Only Just Begun - Carpenters (youtube) - We've only just begun to live, White lace and promises, A kiss for luck and we're on our way, We've only begun.
A Thousand Years - Christina Perri (youtube) - Time stands still, Beauty in all she is, I will be brave, I will not let anything take away what's standing in front of me, Every breath, every hour has come to this, One step closer, I have died every day waiting for you, Darling, don't be afraid
I have loved you for a thousand years, I'll love you for a thousand more.
That's The Way I Always Heard It Should Be - Carly Simon 1971 (youtube) - But you say it's time we moved in together, And raised a family of our own, you and me, Well, that's the way I've always heard it should be, You want to marry me, we'll marry.
Send In The Clowns - Judy Collins (youtube) - Don't you love farce? My fault, I fear, I thought that you'd want what I want, Sorry, my dear! But where are the clowns, Send in the clowns, Don't bother, they're here.
Linger - The Cranberries (youtube) - If you, if you could return, Don't let it burn, Don't let it fade, I'm sure I'm not being rude, But it's just your attitude, It's tearing me apart, It's ruining every day, For me, I swore I would be true, And fellow, so did you, So why were you holding her hand? Is that the way we stand? Were you lying all the time? Was it just a game to you? But I'm in so deep, You know I'm such a fool for you, You've got me wrapped around your finger, Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to, do have to let it linger?
We're Not Broken, Just Bent (youtube) - Right from the start, You were a thief, you stole my heart, And I, your willing victim, I let you see the parts of me, that weren't all that pretty, And with every touch you fixed them, Now you've been talking in your sleep oh oh, Things you never say to me oh oh, Tell me that you've had enough, Of our love, our love, Just give me a reason, just a little bit's enough, Just a second we're not broken just bent, and we can learn to love again, It's in the stars, it's been written in the scars on our hearts, We're not broken just bent, and we can learn to love again
What the World Needs Now is Love Sweet Love.
Love Songs by The Beatles - The Word
Life may be Fleeting, but Love Lives On.
Vell Baria - Love Never Dies (A. Webber) with lyrics (youtube) - Who knows when love begins? Who knows what makes it start? One day it's simply there, Alive inside in your heart. It slips into your thoughts, It infiltrates your soul, It takes you by surprise, Then seizes full control. Try to deny it, And try to protest, But love won't let you go, Once you've been possessed. Love never dies. Love never falters. Once it has spoken, Love is yours. Love never fades. Love never alters. Hearts may get broken, Love endures...Hearts may get broken, Love endures. And soon as you submit, Surrender flesh and bone, That love takes on a life much bigger than your own. It uses you at whim and drives you to despair. And forces you to feel more joy than you can bear. Love gives you pleasure, And love brings you pain! And yet, when both are gone, Love will still remain. Love never dies, Love never alters, Hearts may get broken, Love endures...Hearts may get broken. Love never dies! Love will continue! Love keeps on beating when you're gone! Love never dies once it is in you! Life may be fleeting, Love lives on...Life may be fleeting, Love lives on.
Isn’t This a Lovely Day (To Be Caught in the Rain) - Irving Berlin (youtube) - The weather is frightening, The thunder and lightning, Seem to be having their way, But as far as I'm concerned, It's a lovely day. The turn in the weather, Will keep us together, So I can honestly say, That as far as I'm concerned, It's a lovely day and everything's okay. Isn't this a lovely day to be caught in the rain? You were going on your way, Now you've got to remain, Just as you were going, Leaving me all at sea, The clouds broke, they broke, And oh what a break for me, I can see the sun up high. Though we're caught in a storm, I can see where you and I could be cozy and warm, Let the rain pitter-patter, But it really doesn't matter, If the skies are gray, Long as I can be with you, It's a lovely day.
Nat King Cole - L-O-V-E is a song written by Bert Kaempfert and Milt Gabler, recorded by American singer and jazz pianist Nat King Cole for his 1965 studio album L-O-V-E. - L is for the way you look at me, O is for the only one I see, V is very, very extraordinary, E is even more than anyone that you adore can. Love is all that I can give to you, Love is more than just a game for two, Two in love can make it, Take my heart and please don't break it, Love was made for me and you, L is for the way you look at me, O is for the only one I see, V is very, very extraordinary, E is even more than anyone that you adore can, Love is all that I can give to you, Love is more than just a game for two, Two in love can make it, Take my heart and please don't break it, Love was made for me and you, Love was made for me and you, Love was made for me and you.
Make You Feel My Love - ADELE (youtube) - When the rain is blowing in your face, And the whole world is on your case, I could offer you a warm embrace, To make you feel my love. When the evening shadows and the stars appear, And there is no one there to dry your tears, I could hold you for a million years, To make you feel my love. I know you haven't made your mind up yet, But I would never do you wrong, I've known it from the moment that we met, No doubt in my mind where you belong, I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue, I'd go crawling down the avenue, No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do, To make you feel my love. The storms are raging on the rolling sea, And on the highway of regret, Though winds of change are throwing wild and free, You ain't seen nothing like me yet, I could make you happy, make your dreams come true, Nothing that I wouldn't do, Go to the ends of the Earth for you, To make you feel my love, To make you feel my love.
Make You Feel My Love is a song written by Bob Dylan for his 1997 album Time Out of Mind. Billy Joel (youtube).
I Feel Love - Donna Summer (youtube)
Love Quotes (wiki) - Love Songs - Relationship Songs - Romantic Lyrics - Friendship Songs - Happy Songs.
To Love is to Have Knowledge
To say "all you need is love" is a little oversimplifying the needs of life, because you need a lot more than just love. You need knowledge, and lots of it." If you learn to love learning, then learning to love will happen naturally, and hating will disappear.
Knowledge is God - God is Knowledge.
Heavenly love is love for the mind such as your intelligence and strength, someone you can benefit from making one more wise.
EROS was the mischievous god of love, a minion and constant companion of the goddess Aphrodite. Eros, (Love, Desire) is the Greek god of love and sex. His Roman counterpart was Cupid ("desire"). In the earliest account, he is a primordial god, while in later accounts he is described as one of the children of Aphrodite and Ares and, with some of his siblings, was one of the Erotes, a group of winged love gods.
Don't just be a follower in love, you need to be a leader in love, because love can be blind.
Love is totally amazing. Everyone should be loved. But you need to know the reality of love. Love is not clearly defined or fully understood. We know that we want love and we know how great love feels, but we don't fully understand love, at least not the way we should. Love will not solve your problems or provide you with any guarantees. They only way for love to flourish and survive is for everyone to learn everything that they can about themselves and the world around them. Love comes with no instructions, so you must learn what the instructions are. The more intelligent you become, the stronger love becomes. You might not find love in this lifetime, but love will find you. And the only way to know when love is near, is to learn everything that you can about yourself and the world around you. Then you will see love in more places and more often, and you will also understand the differences between dreams and reality. Love is the strongest when it finds a home in a mind that is strong enough to embrace its power.
I want you to have love, but I also want you to be intelligent, because then I will know for sure that love will be safe with you, and that love will help guide you, and that you will help guide love through your entire life.
As children, we grow up with that dream of finding someone special who will love us forever and be with us throughout our entire life. It's a beautiful dream, but it's not reality for many people. Yes you can be loved, and yes you can love others. But you need more than love, you need intelligence.
You can list the things you like and don't like, but the bottom line is love, and a full understanding that people change and so do you. So the person you originally fell in love with will change. So does this mean that the things you loved about that person are gone? Or did you misunderstand the things you thought the person was? Or did you value things that you loved about that person incorrectly? Learning to love takes a long time, learning who to love takes even longer.
Being in a intimate relationship, or being married, is not as important as all the other relationships that we have in life. The relationship that we have with ourselves, the relationships that we have with family and friends, and the relationship that we have with mother earth and the environment, are much more important and meaningful relationships then our intimate ones.
We put too much pressure on ourselves, and so does society and the media. People incorrectly believe that If they are not in love there must be something wrong with them, which is mostly false. All relationships require work and responsibility. And all relationships are equally important. Don't sacrifice one relationship for the other. And if you feel that you have not found love, just remember, love is created, not found. Looking for Love is misleading, you must create love, and the person who responds the most to the love that you have created, is someone to pay attention to, but don't expect intimacy, only embrace intimacy and love when it is genuine and true.
Love is Knowledge - Love is Information
The Summer of Love never really ended, it just manifested itself into the generations that followed. This awakening made us aware of our problems, but we never learned how to truly solve them. So the next big wave will be The Summer of Learning, this will finally take us home. It took us a while, but we finally figured it out that improving education was the answer all along. Our intelligence is our greatest strength, but we have to learn how to effectively utilize our intelligence, and the only way to do that is to improve education so that intelligence is a guarantee for everyone. Knowledge and information must flow like love did during the 60's. But this time, we'll have the wisdom and the maturity to see this through, and finally solve all the problems that have plagued us for way to long. The time has come, this is our time, Godspeed!
Flower Power was a slogan used during the late 1960s and early 1970s as a symbol of passive resistance and non-violence ideology. It is rooted in the opposition movement to the Vietnam War. The expression was coined by the American Beat poet Allen Ginsberg in 1965 as a means to transform war protests into peaceful affirmative spectacles. Hippies embraced the symbolism by dressing in clothing with embroidered flowers and vibrant colors, wearing flowers in their hair, and distributing flowers to the public, becoming known as flower children. The term later became generalized as a modern reference to the hippie movement and the so-called counterculture of drugs, psychedelic music, psychedelic art and social permissiveness.
Turn On, Tune In, Drop Out - "Turn on" meant go within to activate your neural and genetic equipment. Become sensitive to the many and various levels of consciousness and the specific triggers engaging them. Drugs were one way to accomplish this end. "Tune in" meant interact harmoniously with the world around you—externalize, materialize, express your new internal perspectives. "Drop out" suggested an active, selective, graceful process of detachment from involuntary or unconscious commitments. "Drop Out" meant self-reliance, a discovery of one's singularity, a commitment to mobility, choice, and change.
Rainbow Gathering are temporary, loosely knit communities of people, who congregate annually in remote forests around the world for one or more weeks at a time with the stated intention of living a shared ideology of peace, harmony, freedom, and respect. In the original invitation, spread throughout the United States in 1971. We Love You (Official Full-Length) Rainbow Gathering Documentary (youtube).
Rainbow Family is a counter-culture or alternative culture, in existence since approximately 1970. It is a loose affiliation of individuals, some nomadic, generally asserting that it has no leader. They put on yearly, primitive camping events on public land known as Rainbow Gatherings.
Baby Boomers Shed Tears When They Remember The 1960s (youtube) - Interviews were in 1989.
Ambassador of Love is a messenger of love and a representative of love who is assigned to spread the good words of love, cheer and good will. A love ambassador shows others the power of love and shows others how to visualize love that can help transform their world into a loving world.
The 60's was not about being counter culture, it was more about wanting the freedom of expression and not feeling boxed in. People wanted the freedom to explore and to personally develop without unfair barriers or judgments. People wanted to continue to discover new possibilities, which are the reasons why humans are still alive today. People didn't reject authority, people rejected the abuse of authority and rejected the corruption of authority. People were not about rejecting old ideas, but were more about projecting new ideas. Generations.
Projecting is to imagine and conceive of something and see in one's mind. To transfer ideas or principles from one domain into another. To put forth or send forth. To throw, send, or cast forward and extend out in space, above or beyond a surface or boundary. To communicate vividly. To cause to be heard. To make or work out and devise a plan for an idea. Present something for consideration, examination, criticism, etc.
Get Together - The Youngbloods (youtube) - Come on people now, Smile on your brother, Everybody get together, Try to love one another Right now. Activist Songs of the 60's.
Diggers were a radical community-action group of activists and Street Theatre actors operating from 1966 to 1968, based in the Haight-Ashbury neighborhood of San Francisco. Their politics have been categorized as "left-wing"; more accurately, they were "community anarchists" who blended a desire for freedom with a consciousness of the community in which they lived. The Diggers' central tenet was to be "authentic," seeking to create a society free from the dictates of money and capitalism. The Diggers were closely associated and shared a number of members with the guerrilla theater group San Francisco Mime Troupe. They were formed out of after-hours Mime Troupe discussions between Emmett Grogan, Peter Coyote, Peter Berg, and Billy Landout. The Diggers took their name from the original English Diggers (1649–1650) who had promulgated a vision of society free from buying, selling, and private property. During the mid- and late 1960s, the San Francisco Diggers organized free music concerts and works of political art, provided free food, medical care, transport, and temporary housing and opened stores that gave away stock. Some of their events included the Death of Money Parade, Intersection Game, Invisible Circus, and Death of Hippie/Birth of Free. Diggers fostered and inspired later groups like the Yippies, which was a Youth International Party and an American youth-oriented radical and countercultural revolutionary offshoot of the free speech and anti-war movements of the late 1960s. It was founded on December 31, 1967. They employed theatrical gestures to mock the social status quo, such as advancing a pig ("Pigasus the Immortal") as a candidate for president of the United States in 1968. They have been described as a highly theatrical, anti-authoritarian and anarchist youth movement of "symbolic politics".
People felt optimistic and hopeful because they saw millions of other people expressing the same kind of love that they had and showing the same desire for change and improvements that they also shared. But not enough people understood how to make these things come about or knew what the necessary steps that were needed to take in order for improvements to happen. In order to evolve and progress, you need to make physical changes in the system, you need to update education, update and improve the way the media informs the public, you need to change unjust laws and practices. The environment must be healthy if you want the minds of people to be healthy. We still have a lot of work to do.
Jealousy - Insecure Love
Jealousy is an emotion, and the word typically refers to the thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, concern, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of status or something of great personal value, particularly in reference to a human connection. Jealousy often consists of a combination of emotions such as anger, resentment, inadequacy, helplessness, paranoia and disgust.
Envious is painfully desiring another's advantages. Showing extreme greed for material wealth.
Spite - Ego - Narrow Minded - Rejection - Fake Love - Crime of Passion - Suspicions
Envy occurs when a person lacks another's superior quality, achievement, or possession and either desires it or wishes that the other lacked it. Be careful what you wish for monkey paw.
Green with Envy is being full of desire for someone's possessions or advantages. Being extremely covetous or strongly wanting someone else's position, advantages or possessions.
The enemy of love is doubt and the lack of trust. Both are different yet they are equally the cause for diminishing the feeling of love. Doubt lessens the passion that love needs, and the lack of trust gives birth to other enemy emotions. Disgust is just the opposite of love. Not only is Jealousy bad for relationships, it is one of the main causes of violence in relationships. Jealousy provides no accuracy in a persons awareness, and it's a behavior that has no value. Empathy is Healthier.
"If you love something, then let it go. If it comes back to you, then it may be yours again. But if it doesn't come back to you, then maybe it was never meant to be."
"You can love someone, but you can never possess them. Nothing can be owned, only temporarily enjoyed."
In order to truly love something or to truly love someone, you have to be able let them go and let them be free. Love is not about possession, Love is about freedom.
You don't know what you've got until it's gone or you don't know what you're missing until it's gone, but how will you know it's missing or gone when you don't know what you are missing or what you had? Just because you realize that something isn't there anymore, this doesn't mean that you understood what it was that was there. The first three words to this saying are "You don't know", so why don't you know? It's true that sometimes you don't know how important someone is or valuable something is until you don't have it anymore. But what did you have? What was it? And why didn't you know how valuable or how important that something was? If it does come back, will we have learned anything? Will we continue to assume that something will always be there? Will we plan to prepare ourselves this time for this type of scenario repeating itself in the future?
Joni Mitchell Big Yellow Taxi (youtube) - Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you've got till it's gone, they paved paradise and put up a parking lot. (1970).
Is a Taste of Honey worse than none at All?
Crime of Passion refers to a violent crime, especially homicide, in which the perpetrator commits the act against someone because of sudden strong impulse such as sudden rage rather than as a premeditated crime.
Love–Hate Relationship involves simultaneous conflicting responses or alternating emotions of love and hate.
Unloved: Guilty of Love (youtube)
Jealousy is a defect in thinking with no logic what so ever. Jealousy is related to Insecurity, Paranoia and Delusional Thinking. You want to be aware of your love interest but you don't want to jump to conclusions or assume things that may not be true. This is not about trust, for trusting can be blind sometimes. This is about being aware and asking the right questions, questions that won't reveal insecurity, paranoia or delusional thinking. You want your questions to help you understand a persons behavior, as well as help you understand your own feelings. There's nothing cute or romantic about jealousy, it is a sign of ignorance, which means that you have some things to learn about yourself, as well as, some things to learn about what a Healthy Relationship is really about.
Don't let obsessive love and Jealousy get the best of you, look on the Brightside, and focus on what's important.
"You have to be faithful to yourself if you're going to be faithful to others."
Control Freak describes a person who attempts to dictate how everything is done around them. The phrase was first used in the 1970s, an era when stress was laid on the principle of 'doing one's own thing' and letting others do the same.
Aggression - Cheating - Sexual Harassment
Characteristics of Jealousy - Insecure (lacking knowledge)
Jealousy is the result of a relational transgression, such as a partner having a sexual or emotional affair. Jealousy can also be seen as a transgression in its own right, when a partner's suspicions are unfounded. Thus, jealousy is an important component of relational transgressions. There are several types of jealousy. Romantic jealousy occurs when a partner is concerned that a potential rival might interfere with his or her existing romantic relationship. Sexual jealousy is a specific form of romantic jealousy where an individual worries that a rival is having or wants to have sex with his or her partner.
Other forms of jealousy include: Friend jealousy - feeling threatened by a partner's relationships with friends. Family jealousy - feeling threatened by a partner's relationships with family members. Activity jealousy - perceiving that a partner's activities, such as work, hobbies, or school, are interfering with one's relationship. Power jealousy - perceiving that one's influence over a partner is being lost to others. Intimacy jealousy - believing that one's partner in engaging in more intimate communication, such as disclosure and advice seeking, with someone else.
Jealousy is different from envy and rivalry. Envy occurs when people want something valuable that someone else has. Rivalry occurs when two people are competing for something that neither person has.
Experiencing Romantic Jealousy. Individuals who are experiencing jealous thoughts
typically make primary and secondary cognitive appraisals about their
particular situation. Primary appraisals involve
general evaluations about
the existence and quality of a rival relationship. Secondary appraisals
involve more specific evaluations about the jealous situation, including
possible causes of the jealousy and potential outcomes to the situation.
There are four common types of secondary appraisals: jealous people
assess motives; jealous people compare themselves to their rival;
they evaluate their potential alternatives; finally, jealous people
assess their potential loss.Jealous individuals make appraisals to develop coping strategies and assess potential outcomes. Jealous individuals normally experience combinations of emotions, in addition to the aforementioned cognitive appraisals. The most common emotions associated with jealousy are fear and anger; people are fearful of losing their relationship and they are often angry at their partner or rival. Other common negative emotions associated with jealousy are sadness, guilt, hurt, and envy. Sometimes, however, jealousy leads to positive emotions, including increased passion, love, and appreciation. Relational partners sometimes intentionally induce jealousy in their relationship. There are typically two types of goals for jealousy induction. Relational rewards reflect the desire to improve the relationship, increase self-esteem, and increase relational rewards. The second type of goal, relational revenge, reflects the desire to punish one's partner, the need for revenge, and the desire to control one's partner. The tactic of inducing jealousy may produce unintended consequences, as jealousy often leads to other relational transgressions including violence.
Communicative responses to jealousy. Jealousy can involve a wide range of communicative responses. These responses are based upon the individuals' goals and emotions. The most common of these responses are negative affect expression, integrative communication, and distributive communication. When people want to maintain their relationship, they use integrative communication and compensatory restoration. People who are fearful of losing their relationships typically use compensatory restoration. Conversely, people who are concerned with maintaining their self-esteem allege that they deny jealous feelings. When individuals are motivated to reduce uncertainty about their partner, they use integrative communication, surveillance, and rival contacts to seek additional information. Communicative responses to jealousy may help reduce uncertainty and restore self-esteem, but they may actually increase uncertainty and negatively impact relationships and self-esteem in some instances. The type of communicative response used is critical. For example, avoidance/denial may be used to protect one's self-esteem, but it may also result in increased uncertainty and relational dissatisfaction, if the jealous partner is left with lingering suspicions. Similarly, compensatory restoration may improve the relationship in some instances, but it may also communicate low self-esteem and desperation by the jealous individual. Distributive communication, which includes behaviors such as yelling and confrontation, may serve to vent negative emotion and retaliate by making the partner feel bad. This may exacerbate an already negative situation and make reconciliation less likely.
Jealousy and relational satisfaction. Jealousy is generally considered to be a relationship dysfunction, though it may have some positive relational properties. These positive properties can be attained through development of one's ability to manage jealousy in a productive way, so that the jealous individual shows care and concern without seeming overly fearful, aggressive, or possessive. Negative affect expression can be effective if used in conjunction with integrative communication. Compensatory restoration can be effective, but when used in excess, too much can make an individual seem desperate and too eager to please, which can have detrimental effects on the relationships.
Rumination. From the aspect of jealousy, rumination reflects uncomfortable mulling about the security of a relationship. Rumination refers to thoughts that are conscious, recurring, and not demanded by the individual's current environment. Ruminative thoughts occur repetitively and are difficult to eliminate. In the context of relational threats, rumination can be described as obsessive worry about the security of the current relationship. Individuals who ruminate are very likely to respond to jealousy differently from individuals who do not ruminate. Rumination is positively associated with several communicative responses to jealousy (e.g. compensatory restoration, negative affect expression, showing signs of possession, and derogation of competitors) that attempt to strengthen a relationship. Rumination is also associated with responses that are counterproductive. Despite efforts to restore relational intimacy, rumination sustains uncertainty, which thereby forms a cycle where rumination is sustained. Rumination intensifies over time and serves as a constant reminder to the threat to the relationship, resulting in increased negative affect. This negative affect is associated with destructive responses to jealousy including violent communication and violence towards objects. Finally, jealous rumination is associated with relational distress and counterproductive responses to jealousy.
Sex differences in jealous emotions and communication. Women generally experience more hurt, sadness, anxiety, and confusion than men, perhaps because they often blame themselves for the jealous situation. Conversely, men have been found to deny jealous feelings and focus on increasing their self-esteem. Generally speaking, women tend to be more focused on the relationship, while men tend to be more focused on individual concerns. In communicative responses, women tend to use integrative communication, express negative affect, enhance their appearance, and use counterjealousy induction more often than jealous men. Jealous men more often contact the rival, restrict the partner's access to potential rivals, and give gifts and spend money on the partner. Jealous men also engage in dangerous behaviors, such as getting drunk and engaging in promiscuous sex with others. Analysis from an evolutionary perspective would suggest that men focus on competing for mates and displaying resources (e.g., material goods to suggest financial security), while women focus on creating and enhancing social bonds and showcasing their beauty.
Deception. Deception is a major relational transgression that often leads to feelings of betrayal and distrust between relational partners. Deception violates relational rules and is considered to be a negative violation of expectations. Most people expect friends, relational partners, and even strangers to be truthful most of the time. If people expected most conversations to be untruthful, talking and communicating with others would simply be unproductive and too difficult. On a given day, it is likely that most human beings will either deceive or be deceived by another person. A significant amount of deception occurs between romantic and relational partners.
Types. Deception includes several types of communications or omissions that serve to distort or omit the complete truth. Deception itself is intentionally managing verbal and/or nonverbal messages so that the message receiver will believe in a way that the message sender knows is false. Intent is critical with regard to deception. Intent differentiates between deception and an honest mistake. The Interpersonal Deception Theory explores the interrelation between communicative context and sender and receiver cognitions and behaviors in deceptive exchanges.
Five primary forms of deception consist of the following: Lies: making up information or giving information that is the opposite or very different from the truth. Euivocations: making an indirect, ambiguous, or contradictory statement. Concealments: omitting information that is important or relevant to the given context, or engaging in behavior that helps hide relevant information. Exaggeration: overstatement or stretching the truth to a degree. Understatement: minimization or downplaying aspects of the truth.
Motives: There are three primary motivations for deceptions in close relationships. Partner-focused motives: using deception to avoid hurting the partner, helping the partner to enhance or maintain his or her self-esteem, avoid worrying the partner, and protecting the partner's relationship with a third party. Partner-motivated deception can sometimes be viewed as socially polite and relationally beneficial. Self-focused motives: using deception to enhance or protect their self-image, wanting to shield themselves from anger, embarrassment, or criticism. Self-focused deception is generally perceived as a more serious transgression than partner-focused deception because the deceiver is acting for selfish reasons rather than for the good of the relationship. Relationship-focused motives: using deception to limit relationship harm by avoiding conflict or relational trauma. Relationally motivated deception can be beneficial to a relationship, and other times it can be harmful by further complicating matters.
Detection. Deception detection between relational partners is extremely difficult, unless a partner tells a blatant or obvious lie or contradicts something the other partner knows to be true. While it is difficult to deceive a partner over a long period of time, deception often occurs in day-to-day conversations between relational partners. Detecting deception is difficult because there are no known completely reliable indicators of deception. Deception, however, places a significant cognitive load on the deceiver. He or she must recall previous statements so that his or her story remains consistent and believable. As a result, deceivers often leak important information both verbally and nonverbally. Deception and its detection is a complex, fluid, and cognitive process that is based on the context of the message exchange. The Interpersonal Deception Theory posits that interpersonal deception is a dynamic, iterative process of mutual influence between a sender, who manipulates information to depart from the truth, and a receiver, who attempts to establish the validity of the message. A deceiver's actions are interrelated to the message receiver's actions. It is during this exchange that the deceiver will reveal verbal and nonverbal information about deceit. Some research has found that there are some cues that may be correlated with deceptive communication, but scholars frequently disagree about the effectiveness of many of these cues to serve as reliable indicators. Noted deception scholar Aldert Vrij even states that there is no nonverbal behavior that is uniquely associated with deception. As previously stated, a specific behavioral indicator of deception does not exist. There are, however, some nonverbal behaviors that have been found to be correlated with deception. Vrij found that examining a "cluster" of these cues was a significantly more reliable indicator of deception than examining a single cue. In terms of perceptions about the significance of deceiving a partner, women and men typically differ in their beliefs about deception. Women view deception as a much more profound relational transgression than men. Additionally, women rate lying in general as a less acceptable behavior than men. Finally, women are much more likely to view any act of lying as significant (regardless of the subject matter) and more likely to report negative emotional reactions to lying.
Truth bias. The truth bias significantly impairs the ability of relational partners to detect deception. In terms of deception, a truth bias reflects a tendency to judge more messages as truths than lies, independent of their actual veracity. When judging message veracity, the truth bias contributes to an overestimate of the actual number of truths relative to the base rate of actual truths. The truth bias is especially strong within close relationships. People are highly inclined to trust the communications of others and are unlikely to question the relational partner unless faced with a major deviation of behavior that forces a reevaluation. When attempting to detect deceit from a familiar person or relational partner, a large amount of information about the partner is brought to mind. This information essentially overwhelms the receiver's cognitive ability to detect and process any cues to deception. It is somewhat easier to detect deception in strangers, when less information about that person is brought to mind.
Hurtful messages. Messages that convey negative feelings or rejection lead to emotions such as hurt and anger. Hurtful messages are associated with less satisfying relationships. Intentionally hurtful messages are among the most serious, as perceived by a partner. Unlike physical pain that usually subsides over time, hurtful messages and hurt feelings often persist for a long period of time and be recalled even years after the event. The interpersonal damage caused by hurtful messages is sometimes permanent. People are more likely to be upset if they believe their relational partner said something to deliberately hurt him or her. Some of the most common forms of hurtful messages include evaluations, accusations, and informative statements. Feeling devalued is a central component of hurtful messages. Similar to verbally aggressive messages, hurtful messages that are stated intensely may be viewed as particularly detrimental. The cliché "It's not what you say, but how you say it" is very applicable with regard to recipients' appraisals of hurtful messages. Females tend to experience more hurt than males in response to hurtful messages. Repairing the damage.
Conceptualizing forgiveness. Individuals tend to experience a wide array of complex emotions following a relational transgression. These emotions are shown to have utility as an initial coping mechanism. For example, fear can result in a protective orientation following a serious transgression; sadness results in contemplation and reflection while disgust causes us to repel from its source. However, beyond the initial situation these emotions can be detrimental to one’s mental and physical state. Consequently, forgiveness is viewed as a more productive means of dealing with the transgression along with engaging the one who committed the transgression. Forgiving is not the act of excusing or condoning. Rather, it is the process whereby negative emotions are transformed into positive emotions for the purpose of bringing emotional normalcy to a relationship. In order to achieve this transformation the offended must forgo retribution and claims for retribution. McCullough, Worthington, and Rachal (1997) defined forgiveness as a, “set of motivational changes whereby one becomes (a) decreasingly motivated to retaliate against an offending relationship partner, (b) decreasingly motivated to maintain estrangement from the offender, and (c) increasingly motivated by conciliation and goodwill for the offender, despite the offender’s hurtful actions”. In essence, relational partners choose constructive behaviors that show an emotional commitment and willingness to sacrifice in order to achieve a state of forgiveness. Dimensions of forgiveness. The link between reconciliation and forgiveness involves exploring two dimensions of forgiveness: intrapsychic and interpersonal. The intrapsychic dimension relates to the cognitive processes and interpretations associated with a transgression (i.e. internal state), whereas interpersonal forgiveness is the interaction between relational partners. Total forgiveness is defined as including both the intrapsychic and interpersonal components which brings about a return to the conditions prior to the transgression. To only change one’s internal state is silent forgiveness, and only having interpersonal interaction is considered hollow forgiveness. However, some scholars contend that these two dimensions (intrapsychic and interpersonal) are independent as the complexities associated with forgiveness involve gradations of both dimensions. For example, a partner may not relinquish negative emotions yet choose to remain in the relationship because of other factors (e.g., children, financial concerns, etc.). Conversely, one may grant forgiveness and release all negative emotions directed toward their partner, and still exit the relationship because trust cannot be restored. Given this complexity, research has explored whether the transformation of negative emotions to positive emotions eliminates negative affect associated with a given offense. The conclusions drawn from this research suggest that no correlation exists between forgiveness and unforgiveness. Put simply, while forgiveness may be granted for a given transgression, the negative affect may not be reduced a corresponding amount. Determinants of forgiveness, Predictors of Forgiveness.
McCullough et al. (1998) outlined predictors of forgiveness into four broad categories: Personality traits of both partners, Relationship quality, Nature of the transgression, Social-cognitive variables.
While personality variables and characteristics of the relationship are preexisting to the occurrence of forgiveness, nature of the offense and social-cognitive determinants become apparent at the time of the transgression.
Personality traits of both partners. Forgivingness is defined as one’s general tendency to forgive transgressions However, this tendency differs from forgiveness which is a response associated with a specific transgression. Listed below are characteristics of the forgiving personality as described by Emmons (2000).
Does not seek revenge; effectively regulates negative affect. Strong desire for a relationship free of conflict. Shows empathy toward offender. Does not personalize hurt associated with transgression.
In terms of personality traits, agreeableness and neuroticism (i.e., instability, anxiousness, aggression) show consistency in predicting forgivingness and forgiveness. Since forgiveness requires one to discard any desire for revenge, a vengeful personality tends to not offer forgiveness and may continue to harbor feelings of vengeance long after the transgression occurred.
Research has shown that agreeableness is inversely correlated with motivations for revenge and avoidance, as well as positively correlated with benevolence. As such, one who demonstrates the personality trait of agreeableness is prone to forgiveness as well as has a general disposition of forgivingness. Conversely, neuroticism was positively correlated with avoidance and vengefulness, but negatively correlated with benevolence. Consequently, a neurotic personality is less apt to forgive or to have a disposition of forgivingness.
Though the personality traits of the offended have a predictive value of forgiveness, the personality of the offender also has an effect on whether forgiveness is offered. Offenders who show sincerity when seeking forgiveness and are persuasive in downplaying the impact of the transgression will have a positive effect on whether the offended will offer forgiveness.
Narcissistic personalities, for example, may be categorized as persuasive transgressors. This is driven by the narcissist to downplay their transgressions, seeing themselves as perfect and seeking to save face at all costs. Such a dynamic suggests that personality determinants of forgiveness may involve not only the personality of the offended, but also that of the offender.
Relationship quality.
The quality of a relationship between offended and offending partners can affect whether forgiveness is both sought and given. In essence, the more invested one is in a relationship, the more prone they are to minimize the hurt associated with transgressions and seek reconciliation.
McCullough et al. (1998) provides seven reasons behind why those in relationships will seek to forgive: High investment in relationship (e.g., children, joint finances, etc.). Views relationship as long term commitment. Have high degree of common interests. Is selfless in regard to their partner. Willingness to take viewpoint of partner (i.e. empathy). Assumes motives of partner are in best interest of relationship (e.g., criticism is taken as constructive feedback). Willingness to apologize for transgressions.
Relationship maintenance activities are a critical component to maintaining high quality relationships. While being heavily invested tends to lead to forgiveness, one may be in a skewed relationship where the partner who is heavily invested is actually under benefitted. This leads to an over benefitted partner who is likely to take the relationship for granted and will not be as prone to exhibit relationship repair behaviors. As such, being mindful of the quality of a relationship will best position partners to address transgressions through a stronger willingness to forgive and seek to normalize the relationship.
Another relationship factor that affects forgiveness is history of past conflict. If past conflicts ended badly (i.e., reconciliation/forgiveness was either not achieved or achieved after much conflict), partners will be less prone to seek out or offer forgiveness. As noted earlier, maintaining a balanced relationship (i.e. no partner over/under benefitted) has a positive effect on relationship quality and tendency to forgive. In that same vein, partners are more likely to offer forgiveness if their partners had recently forgiven them for a transgression. However, if a transgression is repeated resentment begins to build which has an adverse effect on the offended partner’s desire to offer forgiveness.
Nature of the transgression. The most notable feature of a transgression to have an effect on forgiveness is the seriousness of the offense. Some transgressions are perceived as being so serious that they are considered unforgivable. To counter the negative affect associated with a severe transgression, the offender may engage in repair strategies to lessen the perceived hurt of the transgression. The offender’s communication immediately following a transgression has the greatest predictive value on whether forgiveness will be granted. Consequently, offenders who immediately apologize, take responsibility and show remorse have the greatest chance of obtaining forgiveness from their partner. Further, self-disclosure of a transgression yields much greater results than if a partner is informed of the transgression through a third party.[ By taking responsibility for one’s actions and being forthright through self-disclosure of an offense, partners may actually form closer bonds from the reconciliation associated with a serious transgression. As noted in the section on personality, repeated transgressions cause these relationship repair strategies to have a more muted effect as resentment begins to build and trust erodes.
Social-cognitive variables. Attributions of responsibility for a given transgression may have an adverse effect on forgiveness. Specifically, if a transgression is viewed as intentional or malicious, the offended partner is less likely to feel empathy and forgive. Based on the notion that forgiveness is driven primarily by empathy, the offender must accept responsibility and seek forgiveness immediately following the transgression, as apologies have shown to elicit empathy from the offended partner. The resulting feelings of empathy elicited in the offended partner may cause them to better relate to the guilt and loneliness their partner may feel as a result of the transgression. In this state of mind, the offended partner is more likely to seek to normalize the relationship through granting forgiveness and restoring closeness with their partner.
Remedial strategies for the offender. Prior sections offered definitions of forgiveness along with determinants of forgiveness from the perspective of the partner who has experienced the hurtful transgression. As noted earlier, swift apologies and utilization of repair strategies by the offender have the greatest likelihood of eliciting empathy from the offended and ultimately receiving forgiveness for the transgression. The sections below address remedial strategies offenders may use to facilitate a state in which the offended more likely to offer forgiveness and seek to normalize the relationship.
Apologies/concessions. Most common of the remedial strategies, an apology is the most straightforward means by which to admit responsibility, express regret, and seek forgiveness. Noted earlier, apologies are most effective if provided in a timely manner and involve a self-disclosure. Apologies occurring after discovery of a transgression by a third party are much less effective. Though apologies can range from a simple, “I’m sorry” to more elaborate forms, offenders are most successful when offering more complex apologies to match the seriousness of the transgression.
Excuses/justifications. Rather than accepting responsibility for a transgression through the form of an apology, a transgressor who explains why they engaged in a behavior is engaging in excuses or justifications. While excuses and justifications aim to minimize blame on the transgressor, the two address blame minimization from completely opposite perspectives. Excuses attempt to minimize blame by focusing on a transgressor’s inability to control their actions (e.g., “How would I have known my exgirlfriend was going to be at the party.”) or displace blame on a third party (e.g., “I went to lunch with my exgirlfriend because I did not want to hurt her feelings.”). Conversely, a justification minimizes blame by suggesting that actions surrounding the transgression were justified or that the transgression was not severe. For example, a transgressor may justify having lunch with a past romantic interest, suggesting to their current partner that the lunch meeting was of no major consequence (e.g., “We are just friends.”).
Refusals. Refusals are where a transgressor claims no blame for the perceived transgression. This is a departure from apologies and excuses/justifications which involve varying degrees of blame acceptance. In the case of a refusal, the transgressor believes that they have not done anything wrong. Such a situation points out the complexity of relational transgressions. Perception of both partners must be taken into account when recognizing and addressing transgressions. For example, Bob and Sally have just started to date, but have not addressed whether they are mutually exclusive. When Bob finds out that Sally has been on a date with someone else, he confronts Sally. Sally may engage in refusal of blame because Bob and Sally had not explicitly noted whether they were mutually exclusive. The problem with these situations is that the transgressor shows no sensitivity to the offended. As such, the offended is less apt to exhibit empathy which is key towards forgiveness. As such, research has shown that refusals tend to aggravate situations, rather than serve as a meaningful repair strategy.
Appeasement/positivity. Appeasement is used to offset hurtful behavior through the transgressor ingratiating themselves in ways such as promising never to commit the hurtful act or being overly kind to their partner. Appeasement may elicit greater empathy from the offended, through soothing strategies exhibited by the transgressor (e.g., complimenting, being more attentive, spending greater time together). However, the danger of appeasement is the risk that the actions of transgressor will be viewed as being artificial. For example, sending your partner flowers every day resulting from an infidelity you have committed, may be viewed as downplaying the severity of the transgression if the sending of flowers is not coupled with other soothing strategies that cause greater immediacy.
Avoidance/evasion. Avoidance involves the transgressor making conscious efforts to ignore the transgression (also referred to as “silence”). Avoidance can be effective after an apology is sought and forgiveness is granted (i.e., minimizing discussion around unpleasant subjects once closure has been obtained). However, total avoidance of a transgression where the hurt of the offended is not recognized and forgiveness is not granted can result in further problems in the future. As relational transgressions tend to develop the nature of the relationship through drawing of new rules/boundaries, avoidance of a transgression does not allow for this development. Not surprisingly, avoidance is ineffective as a repair strategy, particularly for instances in which infidelity has occurred.
Relationship talk. Relationship talk is a remediation strategy that focuses on discussing the transgression in the context of the relationship. Aune et al. (1998) identified two types of relationship talk, relationship invocation and metatalk. Relationship invocation involves using the relationship as a backdrop for a discussion of the transgression. For example, “We are too committed to this relationship to let it fail.”, or “Our relationship is so much better than any of my previous relationships.”. Metatalk involves discussing the effect of the transgression on the relationship. For example, infidelity may cause partners to redefine rules of the relationship and reexamine the expectations of commitment each partner expects from the other.
Summary and application of concepts. Relational transgressions are a part of any relationship. In each instance, partners must weigh the severity of the transgression against how much they value the relationship. In some cases, trust can be so severely damaged that repair strategies are fruitless. With each transgression both transgressor and victim assume risks. The transgressor’s efforts at reconciliation may be rejected by the victim, which results in loss of face and potentially an avenue of attack by the victim. If the victim offers forgiveness, there is risk that the transgressor may view the forgiveness as a personality trait that may prompt future transgressions (e.g., “I’ll be forgiven by my partner just like every other time”).
These risks aside, promptly engaging in repair strategies helps to ensure the relationship recovers from transgressions. Addressing relational transgressions can be a very painful process. Utilizing repair strategies can have a transformative effect on the relationship through redefining rules and boundaries. An added benefit can be gained through the closeness that can be realized as partners address transgressions. Engaging in relationship talk such as metatalk prompts broader discussions about what each partner desires from the relationship and aligns expectations. Such efforts can mitigate the effects of future transgressions, or even minimize the frequency and severity of transgressions.
The Killers - Mr. Brightside (youtube)
“Everything I know, I know because of love.” Leo Tolstoy - War and Peace.
The Kingdom of God Is Within You, abolish violence, even the defensive kind, and to give up revenge.
