is not enough, and some
more then just love
. Love is just a word unless you put it into practice.
And in order to put Love into practice, you need to understand what Love
is when you really like someone a lot and really care about them,
so much so that they are always on your mind. And you may not like
everything about that someone, but you can still love them. But you can also
like a lot of things about someone, but not truly love them. So love is
not always clearly visible or fully understood. So love is part discovery
and part learning. You can count the things that make you happy, but that
does not mean that you will have happiness
. And you can count all the
things that you like about someone, but that does not mean that you will
have True Love
for that person.
Don't blame Love for your feelings or
thoughts, don't blame Love for your Broken Heart
Love does not Stink
and don't blame Love for
, don't blame Love for not meeting
don't blame Love for being Insecure
blame Love for being blind or
, because love does not cause those things to
happen, you cause those things to happen. So the only thing to blame is
our own ignorance
and our own lack of knowledge. There is lot to learn
, and there's
also a lot to learn about Your-Self
. So don't
play the blame game
, play the
much more fun and a lot more rewarding. Now that's Love.
you're always trying to seek the approval of people and just doing things
for their approval, then doing good things
will lose it's true meaning, which is to make life better for everyone and
not just yourself." Being loved is a responsibility in the same way that
is a responsibility. You
need to be aware of the
many things. Love is part
, just to name a few.
Love is a
choose who to love, and others will choose who to love. You may become
but this is not love, at least not yet. You may not know exactly why you care about someone
all of a sudden,
but you do choose to love them, or choose not to love them. If you feel
that you have no choice
who you choose to love, then you don't fully
understand what love is. Falling in love is OK, but never
you love someone is not OK.
"You can't make someone love you, but
you can definitely become someone who can be loved" just
Don't be a Sucker
for Love and
Types of Love
The first type of Love is
, being in
Love someone. "I'm so in Love with that person, I want to know
everything about that person, I want to feel and experience
love as if we were one". This is not the same as
, or is it love
at first sight, because how could you fall in love
with someone you personally don't know? You are mostly just
falling in Love with a Dream
A dream that has been passed down for centuries in the way of
love stories, love songs and movies.
Love Stories in History and in Literature
. This is a beautiful dream but it is clearly not
logical. It takes time to know someone,
it even takes more time
"Learn to love yourself
first, instead of loving the idea of other people loving you."
The goal is to love someone else without loving yourself any
less, because the best part of the love that you give to someone
else comes partially from the love that you give to yourself.
Love also has chemistry, like
But don't let the feel good high from
And yes Love Hurts, especially when we lose the love of
someone dear to us. Broken Heart
is the attraction between people which leads to friendships and to
platonic or romantic relationships. Interpersonal attraction, the process,
is distinct from perceptions of physical attractiveness, which involves
views of what is and is not considered beautiful or attractive.
is a person with whom one has a feeling of deep or
natural affinity. This may involve similarity, love, romance, comfort,
intimacy, sexuality, sexual activity, spirituality, or compatibility and
The Second type of Love
, I love that person, their friendship is
extremely important to me and I would always be ready to help
that person when ever they needed me.
, for I know at times that
they carefully listen to me when I speak. This includes Parental
Love. The love between a parent and their child can be one of
the strongest kinds of love, but also
one of the most
When the two
loves are combined
, it creates a very special love, A love
everyone should have. But even if you don't have emotional love,
that will never stop you from loving or stop you from being
, that is truly the value of love. Love is non
, though Love flourishes in more favorable
is to have a great affection or
liking for someone or something. A beloved person; used as terms of endearment. A strong
positive emotion of regard and affection. Get
is a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes that ranges from
interpersonal affection ("I love my mother") to pleasure ("I loved that
meal"). It can refer to an emotion of a strong attraction and personal
attachment. It can also be a virtue representing human kindness,
compassion, and affection—"the unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for
the good of another". It may also describe compassionate and affectionate
actions towards other humans, one's self or animals.
is the expressive and pleasurable
feeling from an emotional attraction towards another person often
associated with sexual attraction. It is eros rather than agape, philia,
or storge. "Love does not mean sex and sex does not mean love".
is when you love someone without having any
It means that you will be by their side and
them even when they make
have a change of heart
. This does not mean that we
should ignore our
or ignore the
make with each other. It means that we shouldn't
people without having an
Everyone is innocent until proven guilty, but even then, you still need a
fair Judge and Jury
. The term
unconditional love is also sometimes associated with other terms such as true
or complete love. Each area of expertise has a certain way of describing
unconditional love, but most will agree that it is that type of love which
has no bounds and is unchanging. It is a concept comparable to true love,
a term which is more frequently used to describe love between lovers. By
contrast, unconditional love is frequently used to describe love between
family members, comrades in arms and between others in highly committed
relationships. An example of this is a parent's love for their child; no
matter a test score, a life changing decision, an argument, or a strong
belief, the amount of love that remains between this bond is seen as
unchanging and unconditional. Unconditional love is garnered and shared by
those who love themselves first. "Love should flow naturally. You should
should only let Love flow naturally."
is a type of love that is non-sexual. The term
is named after Plato, who described a kind of love centered on same-gender
relations and included sex which underwent a transformation during
Renaissance (15th–16th centuries) to get its contemporary sense of asexual
is "love: the highest form of love, charity; the love
of God for man and of man for God." Not to be confused with philia –
brotherly love – agape embraces a universal, unconditional love that
transcends, that serves regardless of circumstance
is an extension of the natural affection associated
with near kin
the greater community of fellow believers, that goes beyond the mere duty.
To "love thy neighbor as thyself", and shows itself as "unfeigned love"
from a "pure heart", that extends an unconditional hand of friendship that
loves when not loved back, that gives without getting, and that ever looks
for what is best in others.
is to love someone very much.
is a tender and warm feeling toward
someone; extreme fondness. Affection
is a feeling or type of love, amounting to more than goodwill or
is a feeling of
approval and liking. A favorable
Italian word for love.Amour
is a very
serious love affair, usually a secret or discrete. Cherish
is to have great affection and caring
is a strong feeling or emotion.
Something that is desired intensely. An irrational but irresistible motive
for a belief or action. Any object of warm affection or devotion.
is a very strong feeling about a person or thing.
Passion is an intense emotion
, a compelling
or desire for
is when a person feels an overwhelming obsessive desire
to possess another person toward whom one feels a strong attraction, with
an inability to accept failure or Rejection
is the state of being carried away by an
without insight or proper evaluative judgment. Blind desire that exhibits
misevaluation for reasons such as
recklessness', regardless of desire.
informal term for feelings of love, romance, or infatuation, often felt by
young people during their childhood and adolescence. It is named for its
resemblance to the adoring, worshipful affection that may be felt by a
puppy. It may also be able to describe short/long-term love interest. The
term can be used in a derogatory fashion, describing emotions which are
shallow and transient in comparison to other forms of love such as
you have towards someone for
No Logical Reason
which sometimes causes you to think about them more than anything else.
is a state of mind which results from a romantic attraction
to another person and typically includes
fantasies and a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object
of love and have one's feelings
is wanting intensely.
to people or
things in general persisting from childhood into adult life.
a Greco-Christian term referring to love, "the highest form of love,
" and "the love of God for
man and of man for God". The word is not to be confused with
brotherly love, as it embraces a universal, unconditional love that
transcends and persists regardless of circumstance. The noun form first
occurs in the Septuagint, but the verb form goes as far back as Homer,
translated literally as affection, as in "greet with affection" and "show
affection for the dead". Other ancient authors have used forms of the word
to denote love of a spouse or family, or affection for a particular
activity, in contrast to
(an affection of a sexual nature).
is the commitment to some purpose.
is to find something or someone enjoyable or agreeable. Be
fond of. A feeling of pleasure and enjoyment. Philia
is a positive
feeling of liking.
is dismissing or refusing of a proposal, which is not
bad, except that some people who reject you express a lack of
accompanied by a feeling of intense
dislike, which can hurt. No need to be mean
it may spread.
occurs when an individual is
from a social relationship or social interaction. Rejected
is to dismiss
from consideration. Refuse to accept or acknowledge. Deem something wrong
or inappropriate, but the person may be
, but it is still a
, and not a
is a harsh
word, and it's also not an accurate word to use. Everyone has different
tastes and different needs, and those tastes and needs change as we get
older and become more mature. So sometimes relationships are all about the
timing. When you meet someone at the right time, it's easier to make a
connection. But this does not mean that the connection will last, because
everyone changes over time. Some changes take people in different
directions, and other changes may take us in the same direction, which
means that a long lasting relationship is very possible.
can be the act of social rejection, or emotional distance. In a
religious context, shunning is a formal decision by a denomination or a
congregation to cease interaction with an individual or a group, and
follows a particular set of rules. It differs from, but may be associated
is the breaking or violation of a presumptive
contract, trust, or confidence that produces moral and psychological
conflict within a relationship amongst individuals.
Don't Pull Your
by Hamilton, Joe Frank, & Reynolds - Don't pull your love out on
me honey. Take my heart, my soul, my money. But don't leave me drownin' in
my tears.Body Image
"We shouldn't put a face on love, because love
is not a face, love is everything behind the face."
"Falling in love is not always a choice, but to stay in love is."
"Anyone can come into your life and say how
much they love you. It takes someone really special to stay in
your life and show how much they love you."
"Love looks not with the eyes, but with the
mind, and therefore is winged Cupid painted blind." -
(Act I, Scene I).
Henry V Play
"To fall in love for superficial reasons
is an insult to love.
Love should be pure,
otherwise that act of loving someone becomes fake and exploitive."
is seeing only the
surface. Insignificant details
of little importance. Narrowness of mind.
My favorite Love Song is by Roberta
Flack "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face" (1969)
Simon and Garfunkel -
Bridge Over Troubled Water
Love Songs by The Beatles
Carly Simon - That's The Way I Always Heard It Should Be - 1971
Judy Collins - Send
In The Clowns
Alicia Keys - No On
Family - I Think I Love You
-We've Only Just Begun
- Just a
Linger - The
Not Broken, Just Bent
Boys - Wouldn't It Be Nice
You're My Best
Friend - Queen
- Unchained Melody
Blue Swede - Hooked
On A Feeling
, I'm high on believing, that you're in love with me,
The Platters - Only
To Love Somebody -
Anything... (3/5) Movie CLIP - Boombox Serenade (1989) HD
Peter Gabriel - In
Donna Lewis - I
Love You Always Forever
Vanessa Williams -
Save The Best For Last
(youtube) "Sometimes the one thing you're
looking for is the one thing you can't see."
Famous Love Songs
I Love You
I would say I love you more often, but
I'm not sure who you are? It's not that I don't love you,
because I do love you. It's that when I say I love you to
someone, I want them to be sure what part of them I love. I
certainly don't love everything about you, but I also don't love
everything about me either, because no one is perfect. So please
remember that love is always there, but don't expect love to
always be there for you, because love needs love too. And
reaching out is the same as reaching in. For love to truly
connect it must come from both sides, without any expectations
or conditions. Love is Pure
and in order for love to flourish you must agree to be pure with
love. Positive or Good Attracts Good, and Negative Repeals
Positive or Good. That's one of the main reasons why
something that is free of bad qualities and free of unnecessary elements
of any kind. Something that is pleasing and valuable and in its natural
state of harmony.
is one who desires that an item remain true to its
essence and free from adulterating or diluting influences.
is having desirable or positive qualities especially those suitable
for a thing specified. Morally admirable.
Promoting or enhancing well-being. Agreeable or pleasing. Of
or admirableness. Having or showing
knowledge and skill and aptitude. Most suitable or right for a
particular purpose. Resulting favorably. Capable of pleasing.
Appealing to the mind.
In excellent physical condition. Tending to promote physical
well-being; beneficial to health. Generally admired. Beneficial.
That which is pleasing or valuable or useful. In a good or
proper or satisfactory manner or to a high standard. The quality
of doing what is right and avoiding what is wrong. A good
is the act of showing regard for others. Pleasant or pleasing or
agreeable in nature or appearance.
Socially or conventionally correc
t; refined or virtuous.
Done with delicacy and skill. Exhibiting courtesy and
politeness. A courteous manner that respects accepted social
is the considerate of the feelings or well-being of others. Showing
concern for the rights and feelings of others. Acting with or
showing thought and good sense. Exhibiting or characterized by
Having intellectual depth
is having or showing a tender and considerate and helpful nature;
used especially of persons and their behavior.
This is way beyond the
Law of Attraction
, this is about being good because you know
what being good is and you have learned how being good benefits
others. This is not about being good so that other people like you, that's
, Misleading, Deceptive, Manipulative and
Fake. True Love will never be found through coercion, force or
pressure. And rejection is not about someone rejecting love,
it's just not excepting the deliverer. So find another way to
deliver your message of love or find someone else who can
deliver this love. If you can't do either then put this refusal
aside for another time when more information and knowledge is
is a person who makes deceitful pretenses. Fraudulent; having a
Not genuine or real; being an imitation of the genuine article.
Something that is a counterfeit; not what it seems to be.
Speak insincerely or without regard for facts or truths.
Don't Play Games
is the act of giving a false appearance. Pretending with intention
to deceive. A false or unsupportable quality.
"Love only needs each other, but it's not
as simple as it sounds
. Though Love is natural, and though Love
can be felt by anyone, young or old, and even though Love does
not require any intelligence, Love does get better when you keep
learning about yourself, and about others
, and about the world
around you. This is not to say that Love requires knowledge, but
Love does come from knowledge, so knowledge requires Love. Are
you Lovin this?"
Love is Knowledge - Love is Information
The Summer of Love
never really ended, it just manifested itself
into the generations that followed. This awakening made us aware
of our problems, but we never learned how to truly solve them.
So the next big wave will be
The Summer of Learning
, this will
finally take us home. It took us a while, but we finally figured
it out that improving education was the answer all along. Our
intelligence is our greatest strength, but we have to learn how
to effectively utilize our intelligence, and the only way to do
that is to improve education so that intelligence is a
guarantee for everyone. Knowledge and information must flow
like love did during the 60's. But this time, we'll have the
wisdom and the maturity to see this through, and finally solve
all the problems that have plagued us for way to long. The time
has come, this is our time, Godspeed!
"Though I have experienced Love at first
sight many times and have floated in the air from a single kiss
I have learned over time to separate my dreams from reality, no matter how
beautiful those moments were and how those memories still please me."
"I have been in love with the same women since the beginning of time.
But I lost touch with her and I have not seen her for years. I know she's
still around because I never stop feeling her presence. I just don't know
where she is now, and I wonder who is she now? Is she the same women I
fell in love with? I know that I have changed and I know that have that
grown over the years, so I wonder if her changes match mine. I hope that
we both learned the same things. I feel its time for us to be together
again. I know She's close. And I also know that time is irrelevant. I'm
here, give me a sign."
To Love is to have Knowledge
I want you to have love, but I also want you to be
intelligent, because then I will know for sure that love will be safe with
you, and that love will help guide you and that you will help guide love through your entire life.
Love is totally amazing. Everyone should be loved. But you need to know
the reality of love. Love is not clearly defined or fully understood. We
know that we want love and we know how great love feels, but we don't
love, at least not the way we should. Love will not solve your problems or provide
you with any guarantees. They only way for love to flourish and survive is
for everyone to learn everything that they can about themselves
and the world around them. Love comes with no instructions, so you must
learn what the instructions are. The more intelligent you become, the
stronger love becomes. You might not find love in this lifetime, but love
will find you. And the only way to know when love is near, is to learn
everything that you can about yourself and the world around you. Then you
will see love in more places and more often, and you will also understand the differences between
dreams and reality. Love is the strongest when it finds a home in a mind
that is strong enough to embrace its power.
As children we grow up
with that dream of finding someone special who will love us forever and be
with us throughout our entire life. It is a beautiful dream, but it is not
reality. Yes you can be loved and yes you can love others. But you need
more then love.You can list the things you like and don't like
, but the bottom
line is love, and a full understanding that people change and so do you.
So the person you originally fell in love with will change. So does this
mean that the things you loved about that person are gone? Or did you
misunderstand the things you thought the person was? Or did you value
things that you loved about that person incorrectly? Learning to love
takes a long time, learning who to love takes even longer.
Being in a
, or being
, is not as important as all
the other relationships that we have in life. The relationship
that we have with ourselves
, the relationships that we have with
, and the relationship that we have with
, are much more important and
meaningful relationships then our intimate ones.
We put too much
pressure on ourselves
, and so does
People incorrectly believe that If they are not in love there must be
something wrong with them, which is mostly false. All
relationships require work and
. And all
relationships are equally important. Don't sacrifice one
relationship for the other. And if you feel that you have not
found love, just remember, love is created, not found. Looking
for Love is misleading, you must create love, and the person who
responds the most to the love that you have created, is someone
to pay attention to, but don't expect intimacy, only embrace
intimacy and love when it is genuine and true.
Not only is Jealousy bad for relationships
, it is one of the main causes
Jealousy provides no accuracy in a persons
, and it is a
that has no value.
Empathy is Healthie
is an emotion
, and the
word typically refers to the thoughts and feelings of insecurity,
, concern, and anxiety
over an anticipated loss of status or something of great personal value,
particularly in reference to a human connection. Jealousy often consists
of a combination of emotions such as anger
resentment, inadequacy, helplessness and disgust.
Crime of Passion
refers to a violent crime
, especially homicide,
in which the perpetrator commits the act against someone because of sudden
such as sudden rage rather than as a premeditated crime.
or alternating emotions of love and hate.
"If you love something, then let it go. If it comes back to you, then it
may be yours again. But if it doesn't come back to you, then maybe it was never
meant to be."
"You can love someone, but you can never
them. Nothing can be
owned, only temporarily enjoyed."
In order to truly love something
or to truly love someone, you have to be able let them go and let them be
free. Love is not about possession, Love is about
You don't know what you've got until it's gone
or you don't know what you're missing until it's gone, but how will you
know it's missing or gone when you don't know what you are missing or what
you had? Just because you realize that something isn't there anymore, this
doesn't mean that you understood what it was that was there. The first
three words to this saying are "You
", so why don't you know? It's true that sometimes you
don't know how important someone is or valuable something is until you
don't have it anymore. But what did you have? What was it? And why didn't
you know how valuable or how important that something was? If it does come
back, will we have
Will we continue to assume
that something will always be there? Will we
plan to prepare
ourselves this time for this type of
itself in the future?
Joni Mitchell Big
(youtube) Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you've got
gone, they paved paradise and put up a parking lot. (1970).
Is a Taste of Honey worse than none
occurs when a person lacks another's superior quality, achievement, or
possession and either desires it or wishes that the other lacked it.
Be careful what you wish for monkey paw
Unloved: Guilty of
Jealousy is a defect in thinking with no logic what so ever.
Jealousy is related to
. You want to be aware of your love
interest but you don't want to
jump to conclusions
things that may not be true. This is not about trust, for
can be blind sometimes. This is about being aware and
asking the right questions
, questions that won't reveal
insecurity, paranoia or delusional thinking. You want your
questions to help you understand a persons behavior, as well as
help you understand your own feelings. There's nothing cute or
romantic about jealousy, it is a sign of ignorance, which means
that you have some things to learn about yourself, as well as,
some things to learn about what a
is really about.
obsessive love and Jealousy get the best of you, look on the Brightside,
and focus on what's important.
"You have to be faithful to yourself
if you're going to be faithful to others."
describes a person who attempts to dictate how everything is done around
them. The phrase was first used in the 1970s, an era when stress was laid
on the principle of 'doing one's own thing' and letting others do the
Characteristics of Jealousy
Jealousy is the result of a relational
, such as a
partner having a sexual or emotional affair. Jealousy can also be seen as
a transgression in its own right, when a partner's suspicions are
unfounded. Thus, jealousy is an important component of relational
transgressions. There are several types of jealousy. Romantic jealousy
occurs when a partner is concerned that a potential rival might interfere
with his or her existing romantic relationship. Sexual jealousy is a
specific form of romantic jealousy where an individual worries that a
rival is having or wants to have sex with his or her partner.
Other forms of jealousy include:
jealousy - feeling threatened by a partner's relationships with friends.
Family jealousy - feeling threatened by a partner's relationships with
Activity jealousy - perceiving that a partner's
activities, such as work, hobbies, or school, are interfering with one's
Power jealousy - perceiving that one's influence over a
partner is being lost to others.
Intimacy jealousy - believing that
one's partner in engaging in more intimate communication, such as
disclosure and advice seeking, with someone else.
different from envy and rivalry. Envy
occurs when people want something
valuable that someone else has. Rivalry
occurs when two people are
for something that neither person has.
Individuals who are experiencing jealous thoughts
typically make primary and secondary cognitive appraisals about their
particular situation. Primary appraisals involve general evaluations about
the existence and quality of a rival relationship. Secondary appraisals
involve more specific evaluations about the jealous situation, including
possible causes of the jealousy and potential outcomes to the situation.
There are four common types of secondary appraisals: jealous people
assess motives; jealous people compare themselves to their rival;
they evaluate their potential alternatives;
finally, jealous people
assess their potential loss.Jealous individuals make appraisals to
develop coping strategies and assess potential outcomes
individuals normally experience combinations of emotions, in addition to
the aforementioned cognitive appraisals. The most common emotions
associated with jealousy are fear and anger; people are fearful of losing
their relationship and they are often angry at their partner or rival.
Other common negative emotions associated with jealousy are sadness,
guilt, hurt, and envy. Sometimes, however, jealousy leads to positive
emotions, including increased passion, love, and appreciation.
sometimes intentionally induce jealousy in their
relationship. There are typically two types of goals for jealousy
induction. Relational rewards reflect the desire to improve the
relationship, increase self-esteem, and increase relational rewards. The
second type of goal, relational revenge, reflects the desire to punish
one's partner, the need for revenge, and the desire to control one's
partner. The tactic of inducing jealousy may produce unintended
consequences, as jealousy often leads to other relational transgressions
including violence.Communicative responses to jealousy.
Jealousy can involve a wide range of communicative responses. These
responses are based upon the individuals' goals and emotions. The most
common of these responses are negative affect expression, integrative
communication, and distributive communication. When people want to
maintain their relationship, they use integrative communication and
compensatory restoration. People who are fearful of losing their
relationships typically use compensatory restoration. Conversely,
people who are concerned with maintaining their self-esteem allege that
they deny jealous feelings. When individuals are motivated to reduce
uncertainty about their partner, they use integrative communication,
surveillance, and rival contacts to seek additional information.
Communicative responses to jealousy may help reduce uncertainty and
restore self-esteem, but they may actually increase uncertainty and
negatively impact relationships and self-esteem in some instances. The
type of communicative response used is critical. For example,
avoidance/denial may be used to protect one's self-esteem, but it may also
result in increased uncertainty and relational dissatisfaction, if the
jealous partner is left with lingering suspicions. Similarly, compensatory
restoration may improve the relationship in some instances, but it may
also communicate low self-esteem and desperation by the jealous
individual. Distributive communication, which includes behaviors such as
yelling and confrontation, may serve to vent negative emotion and
retaliate by making the partner feel bad. This may exacerbate an already
negative situation and make reconciliation less likely.
and relational satisfaction.
Jealousy is generally considered to be
a relationship dysfunction, though it may have some positive relational
properties. These positive properties can be attained through development
of one's ability to manage jealousy in a productive way, so that the
jealous individual shows care and concern without seeming overly fearful,
aggressive, or possessive. Negative affect expression can be effective if
used in conjunction with integrative communication. Compensatory
restoration can be effective, but when used in excess, too much can make
an individual seem desperate and too eager to please, which can have
detrimental effects on the relationships.Rumination
the aspect of jealousy, rumination reflects uncomfortable mulling about
the security of a relationship. Rumination refers to thoughts that are
conscious, recurring, and not demanded by the individual's current
environment. Ruminative thoughts occur repetitively and are difficult to
eliminate. In the context of relational threats, rumination can be
described as obsessive worry about the security of the current
relationship. Individuals who ruminate are very likely to respond to
jealousy differently from individuals who do not ruminate. Rumination is
positively associated with several communicative responses to jealousy
(e.g. compensatory restoration, negative affect expression, showing signs
of possession, and derogation of competitors) that attempt to strengthen a
relationship. Rumination is also associated with responses that are
counterproductive. Despite efforts to restore relational intimacy,
rumination sustains uncertainty, which thereby forms a cycle where
rumination is sustained. Rumination intensifies over time and serves as a
constant reminder to the threat to the relationship, resulting in
increased negative affect. This negative affect is associated with
destructive responses to jealousy including violent communication and
violence towards objects. Finally, jealous rumination is associated with
relational distress and counterproductive responses to jealousy.
Sex differences in jealous emotions and communication.
generally experience more hurt, sadness, anxiety, and confusion than men,
perhaps because they often blame themselves for the jealous situation.
Conversely, men have been found to deny jealous feelings and focus on
increasing their self-esteem. Generally speaking, women tend to be more
focused on the relationship, while men tend to be more focused on
individual concerns. In communicative responses, women tend to use
integrative communication, express negative affect, enhance their
appearance, and use counterjealousy induction more often than jealous men.
Jealous men more often contact the rival, restrict the partner's access to
potential rivals, and give gifts and spend money on the partner. Jealous
men also engage in dangerous behaviors, such as getting drunk and engaging
in promiscuous sex with others. Analysis from an evolutionary perspective
would suggest that men focus on competing for mates and displaying
resources (e.g., material goods to suggest financial security), while
women focus on creating and enhancing social bonds and showcasing their
Deception is a major relational
transgression that often leads to feelings of betrayal and distrust
between relational partners. Deception violates relational rules and is
considered to be a negative violation of expectations. Most people expect
friends, relational partners, and even strangers to be truthful most of
the time. If people expected most conversations to be untruthful, talking
and communicating with others would simply be unproductive and too
difficult. On a given day, it is likely that most human beings will either
deceive or be deceived by another person. A significant amount of
deception occurs between romantic and relational partners.
Deception includes several types of communications or omissions that
serve to distort or omit the complete truth. Deception itself is
intentionally managing verbal and/or nonverbal messages so that the
message receiver will believe in a way that the message sender knows is
false. Intent is critical with regard to deception. Intent differentiates
between deception and an honest mistake. The Interpersonal Deception
Theory explores the interrelation between communicative context and sender
and receiver cognitions and behaviors in deceptive exchanges.
Five primary forms of deception consist of the
Lies: making up information or giving information
that is the opposite or very different from the truth. Euivocations:
making an indirect, ambiguous, or contradictory statement.
Concealments: omitting information that is important or relevant to the
given context, or engaging in behavior that helps hide relevant
information. Exaggeration: overstatement or stretching the truth to a
degree. Understatement: minimization or downplaying aspects of the
There are three
primary motivations for deceptions in close relationships.
Partner-focused motives: using deception to avoid hurting the partner,
helping the partner to enhance or maintain his or her self-esteem, avoid
worrying the partner, and protecting the partner's relationship with a
third party. Partner-motivated deception can sometimes be viewed as
socially polite and relationally beneficial. Self-focused motives:
using deception to enhance or protect their self-image, wanting to shield
themselves from anger, embarrassment, or criticism. Self-focused deception
is generally perceived as a more serious transgression than
partner-focused deception because the deceiver is acting for selfish
reasons rather than for the good of the relationship.
Relationship-focused motives: using deception to limit relationship harm
by avoiding conflict or relational trauma. Relationally motivated
deception can be beneficial to a relationship, and other times it can be
harmful by further complicating matters.Detection.
detection between relational partners is extremely difficult, unless a
partner tells a blatant or obvious lie or contradicts something the other
partner knows to be true. While it is difficult to deceive a partner over
a long period of time, deception often occurs in day-to-day conversations
between relational partners. Detecting deception is difficult because
there are no known completely reliable indicators of deception. Deception,
however, places a significant cognitive load on the deceiver. He or she
must recall previous statements so that his or her story remains
consistent and believable. As a result, deceivers often leak important
information both verbally and nonverbally. Deception and its
detection is a complex
, fluid, and cognitive process that is based on the
context of the message exchange. The Interpersonal Deception Theory posits
that interpersonal deception is a dynamic, iterative process of mutual
influence between a sender, who manipulates information to depart from the
truth, and a receiver, who attempts to establish the validity of the
message. A deceiver's actions are interrelated to the message receiver's
actions. It is during this exchange that the deceiver will reveal verbal
and nonverbal information about deceit. Some research has found that there
are some cues that may be correlated with deceptive communication, but
scholars frequently disagree about the effectiveness of many of these cues
to serve as reliable indicators. Noted deception scholar Aldert Vrij even
states that there is no nonverbal behavior that is uniquely associated
with deception. As previously stated, a specific behavioral indicator of
deception does not exist. There are, however, some nonverbal behaviors
that have been found to be correlated with deception. Vrij found that
examining a "cluster" of these cues was a significantly more reliable
indicator of deception than examining a single cue. In terms of
perceptions about the significance of deceiving a partner, women and men
typically differ in their beliefs about deception. Women view deception as
a much more profound relational transgression than men. Additionally,
women rate lying in general as a less acceptable behavior than men.
Finally, women are much more likely to view any act of lying as
significant (regardless of the subject matter) and more likely to report
negative emotional reactions to lying.Truth bias.
bias significantly impairs the ability of relational partners to detect
deception. In terms of deception, a truth bias reflects a tendency to
judge more messages as truths than lies, independent of their actual
veracity. When judging message veracity, the truth bias contributes to an
overestimate of the actual number of truths relative to the base rate of
actual truths. The truth bias is especially strong within close
relationships. People are highly inclined to trust the communications of
others and are unlikely to question the relational partner unless faced
with a major deviation of behavior that forces a reevaluation. When
attempting to detect deceit from a familiar person or relational partner,
a large amount of information about the partner is brought to mind. This
information essentially overwhelms the receiver's cognitive ability to
detect and process any cues to deception. It is somewhat easier to detect
deception in strangers, when less information about that person is brought
to mind.Hurtful messages.
Messages that convey negative
feelings or rejection lead to emotions such as hurt and anger. Hurtful
messages are associated with less satisfying relationships. Intentionally
hurtful messages are among the most serious, as perceived by a partner.
Unlike physical pain that usually subsides over time, hurtful messages and
hurt feelings often persist for a long period of time and be recalled even
years after the event. The interpersonal damage caused by hurtful messages
is sometimes permanent. People are more likely to be upset if they believe
their relational partner said something to deliberately hurt him or her.
Some of the most common forms of hurtful messages include evaluations,
accusations, and informative statements. Feeling devalued is a
central component of hurtful messages. Similar to verbally aggressive
messages, hurtful messages that are stated intensely may be viewed as
particularly detrimental. The cliché "It's not what you say, but how you
say it" is very applicable with regard to recipients' appraisals of
hurtful messages. Females tend to experience more hurt than males in
response to hurtful messages. Repairing the damage.
Individuals tend to experience a wide array of complex
emotions following a relational transgression. These emotions are shown to
have utility as an initial coping mechanism. For example, fear can result
in a protective orientation following a serious transgression; sadness
results in contemplation and reflection while disgust causes us to
repel from its source. However, beyond the initial situation these
emotions can be detrimental to one’s mental and physical state.
Consequently, forgiveness is viewed as a more productive means of dealing
with the transgression along with engaging the one who committed the
transgression. Forgiving is not the act of excusing or condoning.
Rather, it is the process whereby negative emotions are transformed into
positive emotions for the purpose of bringing emotional normalcy to a
relationship. In order to achieve this transformation the offended must
forgo retribution and claims for retribution. McCullough, Worthington, and
Rachal (1997) defined forgiveness as a, “set of motivational changes
whereby one becomes (a) decreasingly motivated to retaliate against an
offending relationship partner, (b) decreasingly motivated to maintain
estrangement from the offender, and (c) increasingly motivated by
conciliation and goodwill for the offender, despite the offender’s hurtful
actions”. In essence, relational partners choose constructive behaviors
that show an emotional commitment and willingness to sacrifice in order to
achieve a state of forgiveness. Dimensions of forgiveness.
link between reconciliation and forgiveness involves exploring two
dimensions of forgiveness: intrapsychic and interpersonal. The
intrapsychic dimension relates to the cognitive processes and
interpretations associated with a transgression (i.e. internal state),
whereas interpersonal forgiveness is the interaction between relational
partners. Total forgiveness is defined as including both the intrapsychic
and interpersonal components which brings about a return to the conditions
prior to the transgression. To only change one’s internal state is silent
forgiveness, and only having interpersonal interaction is considered
hollow forgiveness. However, some scholars contend that these two
dimensions (intrapsychic and interpersonal) are independent as the
complexities associated with forgiveness involve gradations of both
dimensions. For example, a partner may not relinquish negative emotions
yet choose to remain in the relationship because of other factors (e.g.,
children, financial concerns, etc.). Conversely, one may grant forgiveness
and release all negative emotions directed toward their partner, and still
exit the relationship because trust cannot be restored. Given this
complexity, research has explored whether the transformation of negative
emotions to positive emotions eliminates negative affect associated with a
given offense. The conclusions drawn from this research suggest that no
correlation exists between forgiveness and unforgiveness. Put simply,
while forgiveness may be granted for a given transgression, the negative
affect may not be reduced a corresponding amount. Determinants of
forgiveness, Predictors of Forgiveness
McCullough et al. (1998) outlined predictors of forgiveness into four
broad categories: Personality traits of both partners, Relationship
quality, Nature of the transgression, Social-cognitive variables.
While personality variables and characteristics of the relationship
are preexisting to the occurrence of forgiveness, nature of the offense
and social-cognitive determinants become apparent at the time of the
transgression.Personality traits of both partners.
Forgivingness is defined as one’s general tendency to forgive
transgressions However, this tendency differs from forgiveness which is a
response associated with a specific transgression. Listed below are
characteristics of the forgiving personality as described by Emmons
Does not seek revenge; effectively regulates negative
affect. Strong desire for a relationship free of conflict. Shows
empathy toward offender. Does not personalize hurt associated with
In terms of personality traits, agreeableness and
neuroticism (i.e., instability, anxiousness, aggression) show consistency
in predicting forgivingness and forgiveness. Since forgiveness requires
one to discard any desire for revenge, a vengeful personality tends to not
offer forgiveness and may continue to harbor feelings of vengeance long
after the transgression occurred.
Research has shown that
agreeableness is inversely correlated with motivations for revenge and
avoidance, as well as positively correlated with benevolence. As such, one
who demonstrates the personality trait of agreeableness is prone to
forgiveness as well as has a general disposition of forgivingness.
Conversely, neuroticism was positively correlated with avoidance and
vengefulness, but negatively correlated with benevolence. Consequently, a
neurotic personality is less apt to forgive or to have a disposition of
Though the personality traits of the offended have a
predictive value of forgiveness, the personality of the offender also has
an effect on whether forgiveness is offered. Offenders who show sincerity
when seeking forgiveness and are persuasive in downplaying the impact of
the transgression will have a positive effect on whether the offended will
Narcissistic personalities, for example, may be
categorized as persuasive transgressors. This is driven by the narcissist
to downplay their transgressions, seeing themselves as perfect and seeking
to save face at all costs. Such a dynamic suggests that personality
determinants of forgiveness may involve not only the personality of the
offended, but also that of the offender.
The quality of a relationship between offended and offending partners can
affect whether forgiveness is both sought and given. In essence, the more
invested one is in a relationship, the more prone they are to minimize the
hurt associated with transgressions and seek reconciliation.
McCullough et al. (1998) provides seven reasons behind why those in
relationships will seek to forgive:
High investment in relationship
(e.g., children, joint finances, etc.)
Views relationship as long term
Have high degree of common interests
Is selfless in
regard to their partner
Willingness to take viewpoint of partner (i.e.
Assumes motives of partner are in best interest of
relationship (e.g., criticism is taken as constructive feedback)
Willingness to apologize for transgressions
maintenance activities are a critical component to maintaining high
quality relationships. While being heavily invested tends to lead to
forgiveness, one may be in a skewed relationship where the partner who is
heavily invested is actually under benefitted. This leads to an over
benefitted partner who is likely to take the relationship for granted and
will not be as prone to exhibit relationship repair behaviors. As such,
being mindful of the quality of a relationship will best position partners
to address transgressions through a stronger willingness to forgive and
seek to normalize the relationship.
Another relationship factor
that affects forgiveness is history of past conflict. If past conflicts
ended badly (i.e., reconciliation/forgiveness was either not achieved or
achieved after much conflict), partners will be less prone to seek out or
offer forgiveness. As noted earlier, maintaining a balanced relationship
(i.e. no partner over/under benefitted) has a positive effect on
relationship quality and tendency to forgive. In that same vein, partners
are more likely to offer forgiveness if their partners had recently
forgiven them for a transgression. However, if a transgression is repeated
resentment begins to build which has an adverse effect on the offended
partner’s desire to offer forgiveness.Nature of the transgression.
The most notable feature of a transgression to have an effect on
forgiveness is the seriousness of the offense. Some transgressions are
perceived as being so serious that they are considered unforgivable. To
counter the negative affect associated with a severe transgression, the
offender may engage in repair strategies to lessen the perceived hurt of
the transgression. The offender’s communication immediately following a
transgression has the greatest predictive value on whether forgiveness
will be granted. Consequently, offenders who immediately apologize,
take responsibility and show remorse have the greatest chance of obtaining
forgiveness from their partner. Further, self-disclosure of a
transgression yields much greater results than if a partner is informed of
the transgression through a third party.[ By taking responsibility for
one’s actions and being forthright through self-disclosure of an offense,
partners may actually form closer bonds from the reconciliation associated
with a serious transgression. As noted in the section on personality,
repeated transgressions cause these relationship repair strategies to have
a more muted effect as resentment begins to build and trust erodes.
Attributions of responsibility for a
given transgression may have an adverse effect on forgiveness.
Specifically, if a transgression is viewed as intentional or malicious,
the offended partner is less likely to feel empathy and forgive. Based on
the notion that forgiveness is driven primarily by empathy, the offender
must accept responsibility and seek forgiveness immediately following the
transgression, as apologies have shown to elicit empathy from the offended
partner. The resulting feelings of empathy elicited in the offended
partner may cause them to better relate to the guilt and loneliness their
partner may feel as a result of the transgression. In this state of mind,
the offended partner is more likely to seek to normalize the relationship
through granting forgiveness and restoring closeness with their partner.
Remedial strategies for the offender.
Prior sections offered
definitions of forgiveness along with determinants of forgiveness from the
perspective of the partner who has experienced the hurtful transgression.
As noted earlier, swift apologies and utilization of repair strategies by
the offender have the greatest likelihood of eliciting empathy from the
offended and ultimately receiving forgiveness for the transgression. The
sections below address remedial strategies offenders may use to facilitate
a state in which the offended more likely to offer forgiveness and seek to
normalize the relationship.Apologies/concessions.
common of the remedial strategies, an apology is the most straightforward
means by which to admit responsibility, express regret, and seek
forgiveness. Noted earlier, apologies are most effective if provided in a
timely manner and involve a self-disclosure. Apologies occurring after
discovery of a transgression by a third party are much less effective.
Though apologies can range from a simple, “I’m sorry” to more elaborate
forms, offenders are most successful when offering more complex apologies
to match the seriousness of the transgression.
Rather than accepting responsibility for a
transgression through the form of an apology, a transgressor who explains
why they engaged in a behavior is engaging in excuses or justifications.
While excuses and justifications aim to minimize blame on the
transgressor, the two address blame minimization from completely opposite
perspectives. Excuses attempt to minimize blame by focusing on a
transgressor’s inability to control their actions (e.g., “How would I have
known my exgirlfriend was going to be at the party.”) or displace blame on
a third party (e.g., “I went to lunch with my exgirlfriend because I did
not want to hurt her feelings.”). Conversely, a justification minimizes
blame by suggesting that actions surrounding the transgression were
justified or that the transgression was not severe. For example, a
transgressor may justify having lunch with a past romantic interest,
suggesting to their current partner that the lunch meeting was of no major
consequence (e.g., “We are just friends.”).
Refusals are where a transgressor claims no blame for the perceived
transgression. This is a departure from apologies and
excuses/justifications which involve varying degrees of blame acceptance.
In the case of a refusal, the transgressor believes that they have not
done anything wrong. Such a situation points out the complexity of
relational transgressions. Perception of both partners must be taken into
account when recognizing and addressing transgressions. For example, Bob
and Sally have just started to date, but have not addressed whether they
are mutually exclusive. When Bob finds out that Sally has been on a date
with someone else, he confronts Sally. Sally may engage in refusal of
blame because Bob and Sally had not explicitly noted whether they were
mutually exclusive. The problem with these situations is that the
transgressor shows no sensitivity to the offended. As such, the offended
is less apt to exhibit empathy which is key towards forgiveness. As such,
research has shown that refusals tend to aggravate situations, rather than
serve as a meaningful repair strategy.Appeasement/positivity.
Appeasement is used to offset hurtful behavior through the
transgressor ingratiating themselves in ways such as promising never to
commit the hurtful act or being overly kind to their partner. Appeasement
may elicit greater empathy from the offended, through soothing strategies
exhibited by the transgressor (e.g., complimenting, being more attentive,
spending greater time together). However, the danger of appeasement is the
risk that the actions of transgressor will be viewed as being artificial.
For example, sending your partner flowers every day resulting from an
infidelity you have committed, may be viewed as downplaying the severity
of the transgression if the sending of flowers is not coupled with other
soothing strategies that cause greater immediacy.
Avoidance involves the transgressor making conscious efforts to ignore
the transgression (also referred to as “silence”). Avoidance can be
effective after an apology is sought and forgiveness is granted (i.e.,
minimizing discussion around unpleasant subjects once closure has been
obtained). However, total avoidance of a transgression where the hurt of
the offended is not recognized and forgiveness is not granted can result
in further problems in the future. As relational transgressions tend to
develop the nature of the relationship through drawing of new
rules/boundaries, avoidance of a transgression does not allow for this
development. Not surprisingly, avoidance is ineffective as a repair
strategy, particularly for instances in which infidelity has occurred.
Relationship talk is a remediation strategy
that focuses on discussing the transgression in the context of the
relationship. Aune et al. (1998) identified two types of relationship
talk, relationship invocation and metatalk. Relationship invocation
involves using the relationship as a backdrop for a discussion of the
transgression. For example, “We are too committed to this relationship to
let it fail.”, or “Our relationship is so much better than any of my
previous relationships.”. Metatalk involves discussing the effect of the
transgression on the relationship. For example, infidelity may cause
partners to redefine rules of the relationship and reexamine the
expectations of commitment each partner expects from the other.
Summary and application of concepts.
Relational transgressions are a
part of any relationship. In each instance, partners must weigh the
severity of the transgression against how much they value the
relationship. In some cases, trust can be so severely damaged that repair
strategies are fruitless. With each transgression both transgressor and
victim assume risks. The transgressor’s efforts at reconciliation may be
rejected by the victim, which results in loss of face and potentially an
avenue of attack by the victim. If the victim offers forgiveness, there is
risk that the transgressor may view the forgiveness as a personality trait
that may prompt future transgressions (e.g., “I’ll be forgiven by my
partner just like every other time”).
These risks aside, promptly
engaging in repair strategies helps to ensure the relationship recovers
from transgressions. Addressing relational transgressions can be a very
painful process. Utilizing repair strategies can have a transformative
effect on the relationship through redefining rules and boundaries. An
added benefit can be gained through the closeness that can be realized as
partners address transgressions. Engaging in relationship talk such as
metatalk prompts broader discussions about what each partner desires from
the relationship and aligns expectations. Such efforts can mitigate the
effects of future transgressions, or even minimize the frequency and
severity of transgressions.
The Killers - Mr.
What the World Needs Now is Love Sweet Love
“Everything I know, I know because of love.”
The Kingdom of God Is Within You
, abolish violence, even the defensive
kind, and to give up revenge